Journey to Welcoming

This is a part of my upcoming book, Remembering the Art of Midwifery. Each section begins with an inner journey to The Great Midwife, to first learn from her about the topic at hand. This journey is about welcoming.

Today I fly, walking through the air, landing on a beach. The smell of the ocean and the moistness remind me of the tears and amniotic fluid of birthing. The sound of the waves, gently lapping on the shore, is a soothing rhythm behind the squawking of seabirds. I cross a place where a stream enters the water of the ocean, sinking in and mingling-sweet water and salty becoming one water. I know I am close to her village now. I see the men out with their boats, bringing in their morning catch.

I begin to hear children laughing. They run up to me, their tan bodies a study in movement – some dancing, some jumping, some standing as still as statues. A couple of them run up to me, saying, ”Aloha, Aloha. We didn’t know you were coming today! Will you play with us?”

“Yes, after I visit with Tutu.”

“OK!” They accompany me to Tutu’s place.

She is outside preparing food and hears us coming. She’s peeling mangos. Tutu gets up from her seat on the mat and stands. Her rounded, solid body opens up to hug me. She wears a sarong around her waist, exposing her grandmotherly breasts, which have nursed so many babies. “Aloha!”

After her warm hug, she motions me to sit on her mat, in the refreshing shade. She pours me some coconut water to drink and hands me a leaf with some mango pieces on it- so ripe and sweet. “What may I do for you today, my child?”

“I am writing a book for midwives in my country. I want to share about welcoming and I know that this is your specialty for so many years. May I sit with you and hear your wisdom about welcoming?”

Tutu smiles at me. She has been midwife and healer to her village for many years and through this and her many meditations has learned about the welcoming way. “This is good. Welcoming is allowing and accepting your guest as who they are and what they must do. It is honoring the highest in them.

Welcoming is the heart of midwifery and having babies-- Welcoming the new one into your body; Welcoming the changes of growing with the baby; Welcoming the contractions of labor coming in their own time; Welcoming the new one’s way of entering this world; Welcoming the baby and the mother into the sisterhood of breastfeeding.“

She gets up, motioning me to wait in my place. She approaches the fragrant frangipani tree and the hibiscus growing nearby, singing to them as she plucks some of the blooms and places them lovingly into her basket. She comes back to the mat, bringing thread and a needle made from a fish bone. She sits, singing a new song, as she nimbly threads the flowers into a lei.

She smiles at me when she is done and places the lei around my neck. “Aloha—welcome. May the waters of our lives always freely mingle. May the ways of welcome grow strong in all midwives, so that they may welcome the mothers and babies. In this way they will teach welcoming to their communities, smoothing the seasons of birth, life and death for them all.”

The flowers envelope me with their aroma, their beauty, and the love infused into them by the prayer-songs from the heart of Tutu. From the Aloha to the hug, the coconut water and mango, the wisdom passed on to me, the ritual of making the lei, and Tutu’s wise words, I feel blessed and part of the flow of Tutu and her world. “Thank you Tutu for your blessing, your beautiful flowers and your open heart. May you prosper and continue to pass on your wisdom to the generations.” I reach into my bag to gift her with a sprig of roses from my own garden. She smells them and holds them to her heart.

As we say goodbye, starting towards the beach, the sounds of the children enter my ears again. They rush up to me, tugging me by the hands towards the water, laughing.

In Honor of Julien's Upcoming 30th Birthday

Pregnancy with Julien

Pregnant, 27 years old, living in Fort Collins Co in 1980. Gilles and I lived in a one bedroom apartment in a gray building trimmed with white on Remington Street. Gilles worked at various restaurants. He was on a serial job search—he’d have a job for a month or two and then would quit or be fired.

Waitressing was my livelihood. The Silver Grille was a true “greasy spoon” with booths along one side and a lunch bar with swivel stools. Farmers had eaten dependable meals there for decades. It was a friendly place to work. No lifting the full buss tubs was allowed when I was pregnant.

One day for lunch we served spaghetti & meatballs. A cup of aromatic parmesan was sitting on the order station so we could sprinkle it on top of each order as it came from the kitchen. Being pregnant, that smell hit me like a truck load of garbage. I had to bolt to the bathroom. Luckily, that was my only full blown attack of morning sickness.

That first trimester I was exhausted. I’d get to work about 6 am, work until 2 pm, go home and nap. Gilles would wake me for supper. Then I’d go back to sleep until morning. That little nubbin’ growing inside was sucking the energy. I guess that’s why kids are so active—they’ve got all Mom’s energy stored up from those nine months of pregnancy.

When I was into my second trimester and had a bit more energy I realized that I needed to know more about this pregnancy and birth situation. Although I had lots of experience taking care of babies, being the oldest of six, Mom never really talked about pregnancy or birthing with me. My usual modus operandi was to read about something. So I went to the local bookstore. It was in a beautiful stone building and was called the Stone Lion. From the section on pregnancy & childrearing I picked The Immaculate Deception
by Suzanne Arms and Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin. These books revealed to me that I didn’t really want to have my baby in the hospital and that even I could have my baby at home. I’d never heard of anyone doing it but these books said that women could do it.

How to go about it was the next question. Spiritual Midwifery was jam packed with stories of home births and even had a little guide for midwives – but where could I find a midwife??? Never met one. Didn’t know they still existed. So- back to the bookstore I went. Lo & behold, my prayers were answered. A flyer was posted near my destination book section for “Informed Home Birth Classes”-- just what I needed. Gilles was certainly not up to being my midwife. This teacher must know midwives! So I wrote down her number and called. Little did I know that I was entering into a timeless fairy world where I would be captured and held for over 20 years.

Karen, the childbirth educator, was full of information and enthusiasm. We signed up. The more I learned the more I wanted to give birth at home. We only lived blocks from Poudre Valley Hospital, so if I needed help we had quick access. I continued my OB care but started looking for a midwife. There were none per se who lived in Fort Collins. The closest were in Boulder. Gilles & I drove the hour plus to visit Myrna. She had lots of her own children and seemed nice enough. But driving all the way to Boulder for prenatals was daunting. In Fort Collins there was a midwifery study group with about 8 members. I started to study with them. We decided that the study group, who had members who’d attended about 30 births, would help us. Although not the most experienced, they did know emergency measures if needed and since they were quickly becoming my friends, I knew I could count on their good judgement to do what was needed to keep me & my baby safe.

During my pregnancy I had started out with an OB/GYN, Dr H. First I was told I wasn’t gaining enough weight. Then at the next month’s visit they told me I was gaining too much weight. I just wasn’t fitting into their charts and graphs.

When I firmly decided to go for a homebirth I innocently thought it best to inform Dr H. When I told him my intentions, he got a grave expression on his face. He repeated several times, ”Nature isn’t perfect. Nature isn’t perfect. Nature isn’t prefect.” while looking off into the distance, seeing some horrible experience he’d had. He wouldn’t explain it, probably hoping to just scare me into submission rather than teaching me why he believed this way. Maybe he hoped to save my life or my baby—or maybe just spare me some bloody details. But after that I changed providers. For back up I chose a family practice which was less fearful, though still not enthusiastic about doctor-less hospital-less childbirth.

Surprisingly, we’d decided that we could afford for me not to work at the end of my pregnancy. I think it was a good thing. That way I could be rested & ready for the work of labor. My parents had given me some money in case we had to go to the hospital. We had no insurance.

With the support of the study group, I ate well, rested, exercised and prepared for labor. One older Italian immigrant who worked with Gilles was delighted to learn of our pregnancy. He advised, “My wife had eight children. Just make her walk every day and the baby will just come out.” I followed his advice, hoping I’d have such good results.
--Terra Rafael

Terra's Midwifery Story

I never knew anything about midwives except that they were victims of the witch burnings-- until I became pregnant at age 28. Up until than, I had had many interests -- natural health, yoga, belly dancing, astrology, feminism and poetry. I'd earned a BA in psychology before moving to Denver from my home state of Minnesota.

Being pregnant was a new experience -- and an unplanned one. I'd successfully used the ovulation method of birth control for over 4 years - and then my husband and I decided to use a condom during my fertile time and - pop! - my son was conceived! He really wanted to get here.

Terra pregnant with Julien, spring 1980

Being an avid reader I went to the best bookstore in Fort Collins, Colorado where we were living at the time. The first book I read was Immaculate Deception by Susanne Arms. It was an expose' on birth in the USA, comparing the "norm" with the possibility of homebirth with midwives. No way did I want to go into a hospital after reading that! (Since then I've realized that I also had a lot of unhealed feelings about the hospital from my own birth and my hospitalization at 4 years old for an appendectomy.)

I was at a loss as to how to go about doing a homebirth. I hadn't met anyone who had given birth that way (as far as I knew at the time - since then I found out both my parents were born at home, my mom being one of 5 breech babies my grandmother birthed at home). Then, while on another trip to the bookstore I saw a flyer for Informed Homebirth classes.

Gilles and I signed up for the classes and became ever more comfortable about having a homebirth. There were no practicing midwives in Fort Collins so the local midwifery study group attended -- a collective midwife. It was the uneventful and miraculous homebirth of Julien which convinced me for sure that midwifery was a righteous calling to service -- even though illegal in Colorado at that time.

We moved to Boulder, Colorado after Julien's birth. The midwifery group in Fort Collins was pessimistic about my chances of getting to apprentice in Boulder since there were already so many people studying midwifery there. In fact, the Boulder midwifery study group rejected me as a member because they didn't want any more "new" people joining. I began another study group which welcomed newcomers.
I became an Informed Homebirth teacher. Some students from the classes I taught asked me to their home births. At these births I met a practicing midwife who asked me if I wanted to be her apprentice. I was overjoyed!! It was what I'd prayed for!

Terra with Pregnant Ramona
So I began my apprenticeship with Ramona Ludwig. She'd trained at the Maternity Center in El Paso, Texas with the infamous Shari Daniels. I began attending prenatals, births and postpartums. I joined the Colorado Midwives Association and was a Board Member as political action chair. I attended on of the first meetings held to organize the Midwives Alliance of North America in Boulder, Fall,1983.

My apprenticeship was rudely interrupted after 1 year and about 30 births when my French born husband needed to return home. It was time for our family to live in France for a year. I thought I'd never complete my apprenticeship. And even worse, Ramona was due to have her own baby and my first chance to catch. At that time a wise friend told me - "Being a midwife is a state of mind. You can be a midwife no matter what you do. If you're supposed to catch babies, it will work out." Her words of wisdom carried me through my year in France and still nourish me.
On my return, it worked out for me to continue my apprenticeship with Ramona. She had another apprentice then too, Jennifer Braun. We took turns going to births and sometimes we both went. I became CMA secretary and member of the Board. I went to more births.

Ramona believed student midwives need to attend 100 births before practicing on their own. After about 50 births I felt ready to practice and left the apprenticeship. It was not an easy transition for me or Ramona, sorry to say. In any event, I will always honor Ramona for her dedication to helping women and the opportunity she gave me for learning midwifery. I have to admit, I see her wisdom in the 100 birth criteria -- I did seem to have a much higher comfort and confidence level once I'd been at that many births. Yet, I did begin my practice by always working with another midwife on each case so that we kept learning from each other.

In the ensuing years, I felt very strongly that a structured approach to apprenticeship could give more support to the apprentice and preceptor. I joined the CMA certification committee and, along with Jennifer Braun, Willy Fenske and Laine Gerritsen, I helped write the CMA Certification Procedure. It took many, many hours of meetings, and it was revised and improved upon as time went by. We were happy when it was recognized by MANA and went on to be adopted by several other states as their certification program, until NARM created national standards and processes.

During the years after I gave birth to Julien I was writing what was to become the book Pregnant Feelings - Developing Trust in Birth. I sent my original work to Rahima Baldwin, founder of Informed Homebirth (now largely inactive as an organization) and author of Special Delivery. She was the only published author I knew at the time! She was enthusiastic and her publishers wanted her to do another book, so we put our ideas together and created a great book for pregnant women on the psychological and emotional growth of pregnancy, birth and early parenting. (You can still get Pregnant Feelings through amazon.com)

Practicing as a midwife; being active in the CMA, serving on the Board as Education chair and then Co-President; teaching childbirth classes; speaking to different groups and on TV about midwifery; and writing about birth -- all eventually led me to create more educational opportunities for midwives.

It felt important to begin training more midwives to replace those who stopped practicing. Many women showed interest in midwifery and I would talk with them and give them ideas about what to study and do. Then I began teaching classes for these aspiring midwives in 1986. I developed what was to become the Birth Overview class. The first class I taught I also included the woman who was to be my first apprentice, Ursula Hessdorfer, who was a Registered Midwife practicing in Boulder until her death of cancer. Other midwives/apprentices who have taken this class include Flame Dineen, RM, Elizabeth Moore, CPM, Arlee McCleod, RM, Amy Colo CPM, Deanna Cowen, RM & Jennifer Dossett, CPM. Leigh Collector, who is a Birth Asst., also took this class.

Ursula, Terra & Willy with new home-born twins

My personal life had been going through changes -- divorce and single motherhood as a midwife were not easy. In 1987 I met my second husband, Charlie, and we both hoped to have a child together soon. My daughter Alana was conceived after I was at two marathon births, and then teaching an evening midwifery class. I was very tired yet this loving time was different -- I had a vision of fireworks, dolphins and the faces of two children. During pregnancy, Alana let me be the first one to hear her heartbeat and kept hiding from Ursula. She was born at home in July 1989. Another uneventful and miraculous birth. I put off calling the midwives until late because I wanted to be alone most of the time. It hurt more this time -- I was in my body more than when Julien was born. This time I felt all the glorious pain of opening up and squeezing through -- and the triumph of not suffering or fearing the pain.
Terra in labor, supported by friends


Alas, I was not as good at taking care of myself as taking care of others -- I didn't pace myself carefully enough after Alana was born. I forgot somehow that babies get more demanding after 6 months and had bunches of births that turned out to be extra difficult, including the first stillbirth that I attended. At the same time I was in psychotherapy remembering and healing childhood incest and other abuse. I had had digestive problems and diarrhea on and off for months and it didn't get better (this was before we’d heard of Irritable Bowel Syndrome). All of this plus breastfeeding led to one totally exhausted woman.

I had to recover, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I needed more energy for me. I quit practicing, turning over clients to other Boulder midwives. I resigned as Co-President of the CMA. I weaned Alana -- luckily she was already 14 months and had her eating teeth in.
I saw my acupuncturist frequently for herbs and acupuncture. I got Jin Shin treatments. I rested as much as I could with a toddler. Charlie supported me in every way possible. I continued my psychotherapy and attended Survivors of Incest Anonymous. I cried. I screamed. I hurt. I spent time looking at the sky. I touched the Earth. I prayed. I surrendered to God/dess.

My healing and transformation time had come. I scrutinized every aspect of my life and went into vast spaces of Spirit that renewed me body and soul. Comparing how I had been living and practicing midwifery with what I had said I believed about birth was part of my healing process. I saw that somehow the way I was practicing was not supporting me and my life.
I thought I might never be a midwife again. Sometimes I saw it as a way I'd kept too busy to see and feel my own feeling or deal with my painful past. I felt resentful of clients who didn't understand I was only too human. I believed other midwives thought I was a wimp for quitting. I began honoring myself as me rather than just as midwife, serving others. I let go of practicing midwifery.

My saving grace was that by letting go it allowed more Spirit to enter into my life and add another dimension to my living. I opened my midwifery practice again after hearing the call. I felt my way along slowly, to feel what and how my midwifery practice could be life enhancing for myself & my family, as well as my clients & apprentices. I was happy to find a way to practice in a different manner, that encouraged more trust in the process itself. I came to this through the trust & support of all the women I worked with, and the assistance of two midwifery teachers - Jeannine Parvati Baker & WonShe' - who shared & supported my own vision as I untwisted it from the snares of fear, my earlier way of looking at my experiences.

The apprentices who worked with me during this time - Margaret Rhodes, Flame Dineen & Delta Waters helped me along my path. Trust & love were amplified by my meditation teacher & spiritual mother. The amazing inner experiences I received with her guidance have strengthened my faith that every thing is ultimately alright and God is in everybody.
Flame, Lonnie & Terra after belly painting

While Margaret & Delta, and other short-term apprentices, moved on to other things, Flame successfully completed her apprenticeship & is now a Registered Midwife. I took an intern Olga Vermont, who went to school in Texas to gain experience & moved here to get more homebirth experience before returning to her home-of-choice in Moab, UT, where she practiced midwifery & now has gone on to nursing school. Elizabeth Moore got registered fall, 1998 & got her CPM in 2000.

One part of my midwifery teaching is the book Giving Birth to Ourselves, Contemplations for Midwives. It focuses on evaluating our work and lives as midwives; how and why we practice a certain way; and how much we nurture ourselves as well as others. Some of what I learned in my changing time has gone into that book. It’s available from me or lulu.com

Another time for a break came in 1998. I decided to stop before being exhausted or burned out and open up my possibilities again & see which way the Goddess wanted me to go. I become an Ayurvedic practitioner. The first program was completed Fall 1999 and I continued on with Alandi Ayurvedic Gurukula, which is based on the teacher/student relationship, a kind of apprenticeship, for further study & clinical experience. I graduated May, 2001.


In 2000, we formed a new midwifery organization in Colorado- Colorado Alliance of Independent Midwives (CAIM) to promote midwifery education & communication in our state. Having 2 different MW organizations was a new challenge, but some felt that the CMA was not including our voices in its decisions & directions.

Meanwhile I stopped birth practice entirely and opened my healing practice, Wisewomanhood, w/ Ayurveda , Maya Abdominal Massage, Reiki, and Flower remedies. My daughter was a young woman and my son well out of the nest. I have gotten divorced again, married again and have 3 step sons. Finally after all those new changes I am settled again in my new family and home, ready to focus on writing more.

Thank you, Jesus the Christ, Mother Mary, Gurumayi, Nityananda, Sarasvati, Laksmi, Kali, Durge, Great Spirit, Mother Earth, Medicine Buddha, all our relations on the earth and my Guardian Angel, Archangel Rafael. Thank you Gilles & Julien and Charlie & Alana. Thank you Victor & Evan, Josh, & Matt. Thank you Al & Dorothy, all my grandmothers & grandfathers and brothers and sisters. Thank you women who have allowed me to participate in the births of your children, naming me as midwife. Thank you Ramona, Willy, Jennifer, Jeni, Ursula, Jeannine, WonShe', Flame, Olga, Elizabeth, Emily, Emmy, Ann D, Sarasvati, Alakananda, Rosita, Miss Beatrice, Miss Hortense - all the midwives & healers who are my companions and teachers. Thank you aspiring midwives, for inspiring me. Thank you ONE & ALL.

Journey to Welcoming

Today I fly on my journey to the Great Midwife, walking through the air, landing on a beach. The smell of the ocean and the moistness, remind me of the tears and amniotic fluid of birthing. The sound of the waves, gently lapping on the shore, is a soothing rhythm behind the squawking of seabirds. I cross a place where a stream enters the water of the ocean, sinking in and mingling-sweet water and salty becoming one water. I know I am close to her village now. I see the men out with their boats, bringing in their morning catch.

I begin to hear children laughing. They run up to me, their tan bodies a study in movement – some dancing, some jumping, some standing as still as statues. A couple of them run up to me, saying, ”Aloha, Aloha. We didn’t know you were coming today! Will you play with us?”

“Yes, after I visit with Grandmother, I mean, Tutu.”

“OK!” They accompany me to Tutu’s place.

She is outside preparing food and hears us coming. She’s peeling mangos. Tutu gets up from her seat on the mat and stands. Her rounded, solid body opens up to hug me. She wears a sarong around her waist, exposing her grandmotherly breasts, which have nursed so many babies. “Aloha!”

After her warm hug, she motions me to sit in the refreshing shade of her mat. She pours me some coconut water to drink and hands me a leaf with some mango pieces on it- so ripe and sweet. “What may I do for you today, my child?”

“I am writing a book for midwives in my country. I want to share about welcoming and I know that this is your specialty for so many years. May I sit with you and hear your wisdom about welcoming?”

Tutu smiles at me. She has been midwife and healer to her village for many years and through this and her many meditations has learned about the welcoming way. “This is good. Welcoming is allowing and accepting your guest as who they are and what they must do. It is honoring the highest in them.
Welcoming is the heart of midwifery and having babies-- Welcoming the new one into your body; Welcoming the changes of growing with the baby; Welcoming the contractions of labor coming in their own time; Welcoming the new one’s way of entering this world; Welcoming the baby and the mother into the sisterhood of breastfeeding.“

She gets up, motioning me to wait in my place. She approaches the fragrant frangepani tree and th hibiscus growing nearby, singing to them as she plucks some of the blooms and places them lovingly in to her basket. She comes back to the mat, bringing thread and a needle made from a fish bone. She sits, singing a new song, as she nimbly threads the flowers into a lei.

She smiles at me when she is done and places the lei around my neck. “Aloha—welcome. May the waters of our lives always freely mingle. May the ways of welcome grow strong in all midwives, so that they may welcome the mothers and babies. In this way they will teach welcoming to their communities, smoothing the seasons of birth, life and death for them all.”

The flowers envelope me with their aroma, their beauty, and the love infused into them by the prayer-songs from the heart of Tutu. From the Aloha to the hug, the coconut water and mango, the wisdom passed on to me, the ritual of making the lei, and Tutu’s wise words, I feel blessed and part of the flow of Tutu and her world. “Thank you Tutu for your blessing, your beautiful flowers and your open heart. May you prosper and continue to pass on your wisdom to the generations.”

I reach into my bag to gift her with a sprig of roses from my own garden. She smells them and holds them to her heart.

As we say goodbye, starting towards the beach, the sounds of the children enter my ears again. They rush up to me, tugging me by the hands towards the water, laughing.

-Terra Rafael

Going to Meet the Great Midwife--an inner journey

It was windy, high up in a rocky, mountainous region. I hiked the final push over a high pass and came to the village of the Great Midwife. The children were wrapped in colorful shawls with hats on their heads to protect them from the wind. They gladly brought me to her home.

It was made of wood yet stacked into a circular shape, so that the wind could easily pass around it. No corners. As I entered the doorway, my eyes adjusted to the light of the fire. When she closed the door I felt contained and safe, protected from the harsh wind. Herbs were hung from the ceiling, around the edges of the room, like sentinels of peace.

The Great Midwife pinched off some dried leaves and flowers and poured hot water fomr a pot on the fire over them, making us some tea. We sat next to each other on the floor near the fire.

When I asked her about this book she smiled. Her bronze face, etched by the years and the elements, glowed with the light of her soul. She motioned me closer and leaned her forehead against mine, transmitting wisdom in an unspoken way. I felt it course through me to my heart and then out my writing hands. She showed me how to tap into her transmitted wisdom – a rose flower, a datura flower, or touching my thumb and forefinger into a circle.

I pulled some basil and a sprig of rose from my garden out of my bag and handed it to her as a thank you . Happy gratitude filled my heart as I said goodbye with a hug and left her round house. The wind had settled down and the children had unwrapped themselves to play more freely.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Great Midwife speaks the language of metaphor, as dreams do. So while images and events can carry a literal meaning, they also carry a deeper meaning which may be translated slightly differently, according to the time and the translator.
As an example, I’ll share my interpretation of this journey. I did the journey very early in the morning. I’d awoken at 3:30 and couldn’t sleep, so crept down to my Womb Room to do the journey.
Wind and Rocky and thin air of a mountain pass = the Vata state of that time of day and my own imbalance.
The children under wrap = results of creativity were covered due to the unbalanced state.
Round house= the special nature of this person and the non-resistence yet unbending nature
Going into the dark = the unknown
With only the light of fire= elemental forces
Herbs hanging from the ceiling = plant allies participate
Smile=blessings on my book
Wrinkled face= wisdom of the years
Motioned me closer= I need to move towards her position
Leaned her forehead against mine= passing her wisdom non-verbally
Tapping into her wisdom with:
Rose= beauty, yet setting limits; my power plant
Datura=altering my state
Fingers in a circle= chin mudra, which I have used in meditation to maintain the energy
I give her:
Basil= fiery passion
Roses = sweetness and love, my power plant
Wind settle down=grounded again
Children unwrapped=creativity unleashed

After writing down this journey I easily went back to sleep.
-by Terra Rafael

Poem - What The Midwife Does

The midwife comes to worship at the birth, be it day or night,
leaving behind the world of her family and her own existence.
Her patient adoration has grown over the months of prenatal teachings, prayers, and caresses
that some call “exams.”
She enters the birth room,
cleansed and hushed by songs she sings on her way there.
She wonders at the power of the Mother as Her moans & movements make way
to reveal the coming soul.
She watches how the Mother is guided,
sometimes even by midwife hands or words that point to make clear Nature’s way.
She lays out her sterile scissors, clamps, & herbs for just in case,
yet her hands rest calmly,
knit baby booties,
or soothe the laboring Woman.
She listens to the rhythms of the process-
the distant bouncing of the Baby’s heart,
the Mother’s labor song of earthy sounds, prayer or curse,
the rhythmic dancing of the womb.
She smells the amniotic fluid and it whets her appetite for that common miracle to come.
When necessary her hands can have halos and her breath is divine.
Usually she needs only kneel down to catch and lift up the newborn to the breast of Life,
and attend to the placenta’s safe delivery while Mother and Child are
falling further in love.
After that climax, she dotes still, like the woman she is, coming & going for weeks,
learning the Baby’s name,
seeing that milk aplenty drips from the Mother,
and that their rhythms have synchronized into the gentle waltz of everyday
nurturance.

The Midwife's Mirror

It’s a hand mirror—clear plastic encircling the double-sided reflecting glass and then joining into a simple handle. The plastic is chipped in a couple of places and scratched on the surface. The mirror itself has aged as well. It is almost 30 years old.

The mirror has shown women their first surprising glimpse of their cervix—so like the head of a penis-- rounded, pinkish and soft with a small hole in the middle. It’s so empowering to actually see the opening lips of the mysterious womb, which plays such a large role in every woman’s life—source of her cycles and her cramps, her fertility and childbearing capacity, sounding board of her orgasms. Women can watch their cervix throughout their cycles see how it rises and falls, opens and closes, has fluids from clear to white to clear to red.

Hundreds of times women have peered down into this mirror to see their baby’s wrinkled, birthing head. First it’s just a bulge in the lips of the vulva. Then the lips open up, closing again between labor contractions, until the crucial distance has been traversed and the crown of the baby’s head begins to show.

Later this mirror has let them survey the aftermath of that birthing, to see how their once virgin vagina is now womanly with birthing blood and small wounds of childbirth. It’s so different from an episiotomy, where the doctor decides ahead of time where the scar will be. Most women stretch and, with controlled birthing of the head, can have only surface cuts that can heal without stitches.

I pick up the mirror now and look at my face. Like the mirror, it has aged these 30 years and witnessed so many women transform in their relationship with their own bodies, growing in understanding and wisdom regarding how to respect their woman ways.

--by Terra Rafael

On Birth - When Does Labor Begin?

The question of when labor begins is not easy to answer, even though it may sound simple. In observing labor as a phenomenon in itself, I see labor as being a non-discrete occurrence that actually begins with conception & gradually leads to the birth of the baby.
What most people call labor is actually just a special part of the process. It would be as if one said that making love consisted of only the moments of orgasm, when the actual process of making love may have begun even months before with a flirtatious glance, and gradually built up on physical, emotional, & spiritual levels over the whole time, culminating in the physical embraces & orgasm itself. What happens before the orgasm is not necessarily not making love & the orgasm is not necessarily the end or the goal or product of the process. If one makes love & no orgasm occurs it does not mean it was not making love.
Likewise, labor is building up throughout pregnancy. In the latter part of pregnancy there are often several flirtatious episodes of what could lead up to the orgasm of birthing, yet often they subside. Those "signs of impending labor" may come & go several times in the weeks before birthing.
So does the labor start when the impending signs start? In this case many of the women I assist have been in labor for weeks. Before I became more spacious in my definition of the beginning of labor I believed & treated these women as though they were in labor - and often ended up pushing their labors by various means including transporting them to the hospital for exhaustion & "lack of progress".
I believe even the classic definition of labor - there is a progressive change in the effacement, dilation of the cervix & the baby moves lower - is not a sign that the woman is ready to give birth soon. Most midwives who do vaginal exams near term notice that some women become quite dilated in the weeks before they have the baby all the way out - up to 4 centimeters. A woman who is having impending signs, having some mild contractions, goes to the doctor or midwife to get checked will be told that she is in labor. Then the labor of labor begins because when everyone believes she is in labor & she believes she is in labor, that is when it actually begins. And if she was actually still in a flirtatious stage rather than the culminating stage she may be pushed & dragged through labor by breaking her amniotic bag, drugs, & mechanical assistance or c-section.
So I see the definition of the beginning of labor as being very important to how we educate women about labor & how we assist women in the process of giving birth. Currently I teach women to ignore contractions as long as possible, warning them that they may start & stop many times in the last weeks of pregnancy & that's just fine - preparation. This works well for them. We also do not treat women as though they are in labor until they are well established in a strong labor pattern, encouraging them to ignore it until they can't and then spending time alone with their mate in a pleasant environment until they both decide it's time for us to come. We educate them about delivering the baby themselves, discussing it a lot to allow them to feel as comfortable as possible being alone for as much of the labor as possible. This allows for the least interference possible with the natural laboring process and fewer transports for lack of progress.

Reiki & Worry

Insomnia didn’t just take away sleep time—it added worry time. When I couldn’t sleep, I often would find someone or something to worry over. With my midwifery practice both insomnia and worry were easy pathways to follow.

Reiki helped me through both the worry and the insomnia. This energy healing system from Japan was originated by Dr. Usui in the late 1800’s. “Rei – Kei” means Universal Healing Energy. Through initiation, the channels that carry this energy are opened widely to allow it to flow more freely. It can be focused for specific uses as well—mental /emotional healing and distance healing.

It was the distance healing that came in handy during my night wakings. I promised myself that rather than worrying, which was counterproductive to both sleep and anyone’s well-being, I would send Reiki to the “worry-ee” instead. Permission is necessary for giving Reiki to someone—and my midwifery clients had given me implicit permission do what was helpful to for them and their pregnancy. So, I’d tune into Reiki, invoke the distance healing symbol for them, and send Reiki.

Did my night sessions help? It certainly helped me. While giving Reiki to others it flows through me, filling my energy body with that healing energy. So even if still half awake, I calmed and rested.

Reiki is like food. We take it in and our body does what it naturally does when nourished and working well. Reiki is like sleep. The deep relaxation often accompanying Reiki allows the body to go into deep healing mode. One of the things I like best about Reiki is that it can do no harm.

During prenatal visits, when massaging the woman’s pregnant belly and the baby inside, Reiki would be flowing to them. And at the births, Reiki was filling the room.

The other outstanding phenomenon in my practice after beginning to use Reiki was that babies didn’t have meconium staining in labor. “Mec”, the release of the baby’s bowels, can result from stress. It is not uncommon—except in my midwifery practice. It was so uncommon that, in fact, my apprentices had never practiced the standard procedure of deep suctioning of the baby to prevent aspiration of the meconium when breathing begins. When later my apprentices started attending births with other midwives I was accused of not performing this crucial procedure when needed, since the apprentices didn’t know how to do it. Babies simply didn’t need it. Whether it was the Reiki or some other factor in my practice is hard to discern.

Still, Reiki is such a convenient tool—nothing to carry; no supplies to buy; just initiated hands and the will to share some healing energy.

Sleep as a Midwife

My mother told me that I loved to sleep as a child. Whenever I rode in the car, I fell asleep. So when I was fussy as a baby or toddler, she’d take me in the car and drive around the block to settle me in slumber. I also napped well past the age that most children gave it up. As I got older, I liked to lie on the couch in the middle of the commotion of our large family and go to sleep.

This ability to sleep in various situations came in handy as a midwife. During one long, early labor, I remember squeezing onto a couch with my midwifery partner, the only warm place to rest up for the work ahead.

Even though I was a deep sleeper, I could wake in a flash. When the phone rang in the dead of the night, I always answered after the first ring and I’d be wide, wide awake as the expectant father told me what was happening with his mate.

Sleeping at a birth was NOT a deep sleep. Usually the woman would be moaning with her contractions, while her mate and my midwifery partner sat with her. I dozed in a nearby room, to the rhythm of her labor song. Her vocalizing was a subconscious gauge for me to know when I needed to awaken—a shift in the sound of her throat often signaled a shift in the opening of her cervix as well.

After staying up most of the night at a labor and birth I would drive home, amazed at how the world kept moving and hadn’t paused in awe at the timeless experience of childbirth. I felt like announcing to each person, place & thing, “A woman gave birth! A baby was born!”

By the time I got home, my tired eyes could barely see, which was lucky since my home was usually in disarray when I got there – like the rest of the world my family hadn’t paused its activities in amazement at another baby’s birth. I’d make sure children were tended, prenatals rescheduled, and stomach was satisfied. Then I’d close the blinds, remove my clothes stained by the blood and waters of birth, bathe away the residue of that intense experience, and FINALLY put my aching body into my familiar bed to enjoy some deep sleep.

Hopefully another laboring family wouldn’t call before I awoke refreshed as that sleep-loving baby I once was.