On this bright summer day my baby belly was full and ripe for labor. My due date was about 10 days away but just a couple days ago an unexplained rash appeared all over my skin and the nurse told me, ”Hormones changing will sometimes do that before labor will begin.”
prenatal countdown
precious parasite-
once a fish, you swam & grew on the waters of my ocean.
now you are a creature more akin to astronaut,
weightless in my space,
tethered to me, the Mothership
not yet having walked on Earth or Moon
(what do you dream?)
soon you will be forced
to mold your head
to escape a tight situation
& we both will be forced
to mold our minds
to form a new RelationShip
(what do I dream?)
That evening Gilles came home early from work. He’d been fired again. My heart sank all the way down to my womb as he told me his story. As usual he felt it wasn’t his fault. Sometimes his dark Mediterranean skin and thick French accent triggered a racist response in bosses. But he also had a hot temper, which, when mixed with the hot, tense atmosphere of a restaurant kitchen, could make for a volatile recipe.
He called up friends from his current punk rock band named “F*ck the World”. They came over to drink beer, smoke pot and complain. I quietly sat in the corner, wondering how we would survive. I wasn’t working and was about to have a baby. Now we had no income again. The only savings we had was a modest gift from my parents in case we had to go to the hospital with a problem during the birth.
Finally his buddies left. Gilles had the munchies, so we walked a few blocks to the 7-11 to buy chocolate chips for cookies. As we strolled home, the warm summer night was outlined in rainbows. “Gilles! I think I might be going into labor! In Spiritual Midwifery they said that sometimes the beginning of labor can be like tripping on acid.!”
“No- eet can’t be. Eeet eesn’t your due date yet.” Apparently he hadn’t paid attention to that part of our childbirth classes. I knew that labor wasn’t like an appointment you set up on your due date.
By the time we’d gotten home and put the first batch of cookies in the oven I was feeling menstrual-like cramps. I took a warm bath – that helps menstrual cramps go away often times. Maybe it was false labor and would stop and let me sleep. We went to bed and Gilles passed out quickly but the cramps were obviously coming and going more strongly now.
I quietly tried to relax. Is this it? There’s another one. More baths. I let Gilles sleep until about 4 am and we called our five member midwife team to come over about six. Our friends Jay and Stephanie came too. Jay brought his camera and rolls of film.
Our small 10 x 12 bedroom was lined with faces. The mattress was in the middle of the room and everywhere I looked someone was breathing with me; massaging me; sending me love and support. The Fort Collins midwifery study group, who were also my friends and caregivers, were there to midwife me. At one point everyone chanted “AUM” together. It was very peaceful, though crowded. We were focused.
The baby was positioned posterior, with back to my belly, so I changed positions frequently to help the labor progress. I squatted. I was on my side; on hands and knees; on the toilet. I took more baths. At one point a foreign tabby cat wandered into our apartment, blessed us as it scanned the tableau, and then wandered back out.
Contractions were stretching me open. I surrendered as best I could, like when doing a yoga stretch- by breathing and relaxing to let go. It felt like I was outside of myself, watching.
The contractions had crescendoed in frequency and intensity. My waters broke as the dilation of the cervix approached its fullness. There was small amount of meconium, which can be sign of distress, although the baby’s heart beat was strong and regular. Finally I was completely dilated! Soon I began to feel an urge to push. I was so tired. I slept between contractions. This didn’t work well. Suddenly I’d be jarred awake when it came. Gilles was sitting behind me, supporting me.
The plan had been for Gilles to help catch the baby. But when the time came, it felt like my yoni was miles away from my head and heart. I needed him nearby me, behind me, supporting me. So he stayed there.
Finally, with effort, they told me that the head was showing. When the head came out I remember the unusual sensation of having a head at each end of my body. In the timeless space between contractions I inwardly joked to myself, “Two heads are better than one.” There was a cord around the neck and Bailey, who was catching, looped it over the head. She suctioned his nose in case there was sticky meconium there which could impede his nose or lungs. With that next contraction the babois exploded onto the scene.
It was a boy! As they laid him on my belly, he was a little floppy and bluish. His cord was the longest one ever—it was over a yard long, very thick and vital looking. They suctioned the mucus and any stray meconium from his nose and mouth right away and he breathed easily. It took a few minutes to get over the blueness, but his signs were all good. The cord had transformed by this time into a limp filament which we cut.
Julien, our sweet seed--
you sprouted & grew in my womb.
now you’ve come out,
kaleidescoping colors
ripening by air
blossoming lungs.
we cut you free
from your stem to me,
but you are not far,
a flower on my breast
my heart on my sleeve
fruit of love
& seed of yourself.
Gilles held him while I squatted to deliver the placenta. After that I laid back, feeling very powerful and satisfied. “If I can do that, I can do anything.” I’m a Birth Goddess.
Gilles handed him to me and Julien nursed well right from the start. I remember how everyone cleaned up and left the three of us lying there on that mattress in our little bedroom. What do we do now? I asked myself. Suddenly, a little human being depends on us for everything, all of the time.
--Terra Rafael
