Poem for the Winter Solstice

in the center of the sun it never sets.
there we are
vapor & glowing & boundariless.
I am thankful to remember this.

with the creation of solidity shadows play,
moons fill & empty,
distance & time measure beginnings & ends.
pleasure is born of nature & passes.
pain is born of human forgetfulness & passes.
I am thankful to know this.

in the center of the heart it never sets.
there we are
one
always & always & always.
I am thankful to remember this.

--Terra Rafael

Terra's Midwifery Story

I never knew anything about midwives except that they were victims of the witch burnings-- until I became pregnant at age 28. Up until than, I had had many interests -- natural health, yoga, belly dancing, astrology, feminism and poetry. I'd earned a BA in psychology before moving to Denver from my home state of Minnesota.

Being pregnant was a new experience -- and an unplanned one. I'd successfully used the ovulation method of birth control for over 4 years - and then my husband and I decided to use a condom during my fertile time and - pop! - my son was conceived! He really wanted to get here.

Terra pregnant with Julien, spring 1980

Being an avid reader I went to the best bookstore in Fort Collins, Colorado where we were living at the time. The first book I read was Immaculate Deception by Susanne Arms. It was an expose' on birth in the USA, comparing the "norm" with the possibility of homebirth with midwives. No way did I want to go into a hospital after reading that! (Since then I've realized that I also had a lot of unhealed feelings about the hospital from my own birth and my hospitalization at 4 years old for an appendectomy.)

I was at a loss as to how to go about doing a homebirth. I hadn't met anyone who had given birth that way (as far as I knew at the time - since then I found out both my parents were born at home, my mom being one of 5 breech babies my grandmother birthed at home). Then, while on another trip to the bookstore I saw a flyer for Informed Homebirth classes.

Gilles and I signed up for the classes and became ever more comfortable about having a homebirth. There were no practicing midwives in Fort Collins so the local midwifery study group attended -- a collective midwife. It was the uneventful and miraculous homebirth of Julien which convinced me for sure that midwifery was a righteous calling to service -- even though illegal in Colorado at that time.

We moved to Boulder, Colorado after Julien's birth. The midwifery group in Fort Collins was pessimistic about my chances of getting to apprentice in Boulder since there were already so many people studying midwifery there. In fact, the Boulder midwifery study group rejected me as a member because they didn't want any more "new" people joining. I began another study group which welcomed newcomers.
I became an Informed Homebirth teacher. Some students from the classes I taught asked me to their home births. At these births I met a practicing midwife who asked me if I wanted to be her apprentice. I was overjoyed!! It was what I'd prayed for!

Terra with Pregnant Ramona
So I began my apprenticeship with Ramona Ludwig. She'd trained at the Maternity Center in El Paso, Texas with the infamous Shari Daniels. I began attending prenatals, births and postpartums. I joined the Colorado Midwives Association and was a Board Member as political action chair. I attended on of the first meetings held to organize the Midwives Alliance of North America in Boulder, Fall,1983.

My apprenticeship was rudely interrupted after 1 year and about 30 births when my French born husband needed to return home. It was time for our family to live in France for a year. I thought I'd never complete my apprenticeship. And even worse, Ramona was due to have her own baby and my first chance to catch. At that time a wise friend told me - "Being a midwife is a state of mind. You can be a midwife no matter what you do. If you're supposed to catch babies, it will work out." Her words of wisdom carried me through my year in France and still nourish me.
On my return, it worked out for me to continue my apprenticeship with Ramona. She had another apprentice then too, Jennifer Braun. We took turns going to births and sometimes we both went. I became CMA secretary and member of the Board. I went to more births.

Ramona believed student midwives need to attend 100 births before practicing on their own. After about 50 births I felt ready to practice and left the apprenticeship. It was not an easy transition for me or Ramona, sorry to say. In any event, I will always honor Ramona for her dedication to helping women and the opportunity she gave me for learning midwifery. I have to admit, I see her wisdom in the 100 birth criteria -- I did seem to have a much higher comfort and confidence level once I'd been at that many births. Yet, I did begin my practice by always working with another midwife on each case so that we kept learning from each other.

In the ensuing years, I felt very strongly that a structured approach to apprenticeship could give more support to the apprentice and preceptor. I joined the CMA certification committee and, along with Jennifer Braun, Willy Fenske and Laine Gerritsen, I helped write the CMA Certification Procedure. It took many, many hours of meetings, and it was revised and improved upon as time went by. We were happy when it was recognized by MANA and went on to be adopted by several other states as their certification program, until NARM created national standards and processes.

During the years after I gave birth to Julien I was writing what was to become the book Pregnant Feelings - Developing Trust in Birth. I sent my original work to Rahima Baldwin, founder of Informed Homebirth (now largely inactive as an organization) and author of Special Delivery. She was the only published author I knew at the time! She was enthusiastic and her publishers wanted her to do another book, so we put our ideas together and created a great book for pregnant women on the psychological and emotional growth of pregnancy, birth and early parenting. (You can still get Pregnant Feelings through amazon.com)

Practicing as a midwife; being active in the CMA, serving on the Board as Education chair and then Co-President; teaching childbirth classes; speaking to different groups and on TV about midwifery; and writing about birth -- all eventually led me to create more educational opportunities for midwives.

It felt important to begin training more midwives to replace those who stopped practicing. Many women showed interest in midwifery and I would talk with them and give them ideas about what to study and do. Then I began teaching classes for these aspiring midwives in 1986. I developed what was to become the Birth Overview class. The first class I taught I also included the woman who was to be my first apprentice, Ursula Hessdorfer, who was a Registered Midwife practicing in Boulder until her death of cancer. Other midwives/apprentices who have taken this class include Flame Dineen, RM, Elizabeth Moore, CPM, Arlee McCleod, RM, Amy Colo CPM, Deanna Cowen, RM & Jennifer Dossett, CPM. Leigh Collector, who is a Birth Asst., also took this class.

Ursula, Terra & Willy with new home-born twins

My personal life had been going through changes -- divorce and single motherhood as a midwife were not easy. In 1987 I met my second husband, Charlie, and we both hoped to have a child together soon. My daughter Alana was conceived after I was at two marathon births, and then teaching an evening midwifery class. I was very tired yet this loving time was different -- I had a vision of fireworks, dolphins and the faces of two children. During pregnancy, Alana let me be the first one to hear her heartbeat and kept hiding from Ursula. She was born at home in July 1989. Another uneventful and miraculous birth. I put off calling the midwives until late because I wanted to be alone most of the time. It hurt more this time -- I was in my body more than when Julien was born. This time I felt all the glorious pain of opening up and squeezing through -- and the triumph of not suffering or fearing the pain.
Terra in labor, supported by friends


Alas, I was not as good at taking care of myself as taking care of others -- I didn't pace myself carefully enough after Alana was born. I forgot somehow that babies get more demanding after 6 months and had bunches of births that turned out to be extra difficult, including the first stillbirth that I attended. At the same time I was in psychotherapy remembering and healing childhood incest and other abuse. I had had digestive problems and diarrhea on and off for months and it didn't get better (this was before we’d heard of Irritable Bowel Syndrome). All of this plus breastfeeding led to one totally exhausted woman.

I had to recover, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I needed more energy for me. I quit practicing, turning over clients to other Boulder midwives. I resigned as Co-President of the CMA. I weaned Alana -- luckily she was already 14 months and had her eating teeth in.
I saw my acupuncturist frequently for herbs and acupuncture. I got Jin Shin treatments. I rested as much as I could with a toddler. Charlie supported me in every way possible. I continued my psychotherapy and attended Survivors of Incest Anonymous. I cried. I screamed. I hurt. I spent time looking at the sky. I touched the Earth. I prayed. I surrendered to God/dess.

My healing and transformation time had come. I scrutinized every aspect of my life and went into vast spaces of Spirit that renewed me body and soul. Comparing how I had been living and practicing midwifery with what I had said I believed about birth was part of my healing process. I saw that somehow the way I was practicing was not supporting me and my life.
I thought I might never be a midwife again. Sometimes I saw it as a way I'd kept too busy to see and feel my own feeling or deal with my painful past. I felt resentful of clients who didn't understand I was only too human. I believed other midwives thought I was a wimp for quitting. I began honoring myself as me rather than just as midwife, serving others. I let go of practicing midwifery.

My saving grace was that by letting go it allowed more Spirit to enter into my life and add another dimension to my living. I opened my midwifery practice again after hearing the call. I felt my way along slowly, to feel what and how my midwifery practice could be life enhancing for myself & my family, as well as my clients & apprentices. I was happy to find a way to practice in a different manner, that encouraged more trust in the process itself. I came to this through the trust & support of all the women I worked with, and the assistance of two midwifery teachers - Jeannine Parvati Baker & WonShe' - who shared & supported my own vision as I untwisted it from the snares of fear, my earlier way of looking at my experiences.

The apprentices who worked with me during this time - Margaret Rhodes, Flame Dineen & Delta Waters helped me along my path. Trust & love were amplified by my meditation teacher & spiritual mother. The amazing inner experiences I received with her guidance have strengthened my faith that every thing is ultimately alright and God is in everybody.
Flame, Lonnie & Terra after belly painting

While Margaret & Delta, and other short-term apprentices, moved on to other things, Flame successfully completed her apprenticeship & is now a Registered Midwife. I took an intern Olga Vermont, who went to school in Texas to gain experience & moved here to get more homebirth experience before returning to her home-of-choice in Moab, UT, where she practiced midwifery & now has gone on to nursing school. Elizabeth Moore got registered fall, 1998 & got her CPM in 2000.

One part of my midwifery teaching is the book Giving Birth to Ourselves, Contemplations for Midwives. It focuses on evaluating our work and lives as midwives; how and why we practice a certain way; and how much we nurture ourselves as well as others. Some of what I learned in my changing time has gone into that book. It’s available from me or lulu.com

Another time for a break came in 1998. I decided to stop before being exhausted or burned out and open up my possibilities again & see which way the Goddess wanted me to go. I become an Ayurvedic practitioner. The first program was completed Fall 1999 and I continued on with Alandi Ayurvedic Gurukula, which is based on the teacher/student relationship, a kind of apprenticeship, for further study & clinical experience. I graduated May, 2001.


In 2000, we formed a new midwifery organization in Colorado- Colorado Alliance of Independent Midwives (CAIM) to promote midwifery education & communication in our state. Having 2 different MW organizations was a new challenge, but some felt that the CMA was not including our voices in its decisions & directions.

Meanwhile I stopped birth practice entirely and opened my healing practice, Wisewomanhood, w/ Ayurveda , Maya Abdominal Massage, Reiki, and Flower remedies. My daughter was a young woman and my son well out of the nest. I have gotten divorced again, married again and have 3 step sons. Finally after all those new changes I am settled again in my new family and home, ready to focus on writing more.

Thank you, Jesus the Christ, Mother Mary, Gurumayi, Nityananda, Sarasvati, Laksmi, Kali, Durge, Great Spirit, Mother Earth, Medicine Buddha, all our relations on the earth and my Guardian Angel, Archangel Rafael. Thank you Gilles & Julien and Charlie & Alana. Thank you Victor & Evan, Josh, & Matt. Thank you Al & Dorothy, all my grandmothers & grandfathers and brothers and sisters. Thank you women who have allowed me to participate in the births of your children, naming me as midwife. Thank you Ramona, Willy, Jennifer, Jeni, Ursula, Jeannine, WonShe', Flame, Olga, Elizabeth, Emily, Emmy, Ann D, Sarasvati, Alakananda, Rosita, Miss Beatrice, Miss Hortense - all the midwives & healers who are my companions and teachers. Thank you aspiring midwives, for inspiring me. Thank you ONE & ALL.