10 & 11 June 1980 - Julien's Birthday

On this bright summer day my baby belly was full and ripe for labor. My due date was about 10 days away but just a couple days ago an unexplained rash appeared all over my skin and the nurse told me, ”Hormones changing will sometimes do that before labor will begin.”

prenatal countdown
precious parasite-
once a fish, you swam & grew on the waters of my ocean.
now you are a creature more akin to astronaut,
weightless in my space,
tethered to me, the Mothership
not yet having walked on Earth or Moon
(what do you dream?)

soon you will be forced
to mold your head
to escape a tight situation
& we both will be forced
to mold our minds
to form a new RelationShip
(what do I dream?)

That evening Gilles came home early from work. He’d been fired again. My heart sank all the way down to my womb as he told me his story. As usual he felt it wasn’t his fault. Sometimes his dark Mediterranean skin and thick French accent triggered a racist response in bosses. But he also had a hot temper, which, when mixed with the hot, tense atmosphere of a restaurant kitchen, could make for a volatile recipe.

He called up friends from his current punk rock band named “F*ck the World”. They came over to drink beer, smoke pot and complain. I quietly sat in the corner, wondering how we would survive. I wasn’t working and was about to have a baby. Now we had no income again. The only savings we had was a modest gift from my parents in case we had to go to the hospital with a problem during the birth.

Finally his buddies left. Gilles had the munchies, so we walked a few blocks to the 7-11 to buy chocolate chips for cookies. As we strolled home, the warm summer night was outlined in rainbows. “Gilles! I think I might be going into labor! In Spiritual Midwifery they said that sometimes the beginning of labor can be like tripping on acid.!”

“No- eet can’t be. Eeet eesn’t your due date yet.” Apparently he hadn’t paid attention to that part of our childbirth classes. I knew that labor wasn’t like an appointment you set up on your due date.

By the time we’d gotten home and put the first batch of cookies in the oven I was feeling menstrual-like cramps. I took a warm bath – that helps menstrual cramps go away often times. Maybe it was false labor and would stop and let me sleep. We went to bed and Gilles passed out quickly but the cramps were obviously coming and going more strongly now.

I quietly tried to relax. Is this it? There’s another one. More baths. I let Gilles sleep until about 4 am and we called our five member midwife team to come over about six. Our friends Jay and Stephanie came too. Jay brought his camera and rolls of film.

Our small 10 x 12 bedroom was lined with faces. The mattress was in the middle of the room and everywhere I looked someone was breathing with me; massaging me; sending me love and support. The Fort Collins midwifery study group, who were also my friends and caregivers, were there to midwife me. At one point everyone chanted “AUM” together. It was very peaceful, though crowded. We were focused.

The baby was positioned posterior, with back to my belly, so I changed positions frequently to help the labor progress. I squatted. I was on my side; on hands and knees; on the toilet. I took more baths. At one point a foreign tabby cat wandered into our apartment, blessed us as it scanned the tableau, and then wandered back out.

Contractions were stretching me open. I surrendered as best I could, like when doing a yoga stretch- by breathing and relaxing to let go. It felt like I was outside of myself, watching.

The contractions had crescendoed in frequency and intensity. My waters broke as the dilation of the cervix approached its fullness. There was small amount of meconium, which can be sign of distress, although the baby’s heart beat was strong and regular. Finally I was completely dilated! Soon I began to feel an urge to push. I was so tired. I slept between contractions. This didn’t work well. Suddenly I’d be jarred awake when it came. Gilles was sitting behind me, supporting me.

The plan had been for Gilles to help catch the baby. But when the time came, it felt like my yoni was miles away from my head and heart. I needed him nearby me, behind me, supporting me. So he stayed there.

Finally, with effort, they told me that the head was showing. When the head came out I remember the unusual sensation of having a head at each end of my body. In the timeless space between contractions I inwardly joked to myself, “Two heads are better than one.” There was a cord around the neck and Bailey, who was catching, looped it over the head. She suctioned his nose in case there was sticky meconium there which could impede his nose or lungs. With that next contraction the babois exploded onto the scene.

It was a boy! As they laid him on my belly, he was a little floppy and bluish. His cord was the longest one ever—it was over a yard long, very thick and vital looking. They suctioned the mucus and any stray meconium from his nose and mouth right away and he breathed easily. It took a few minutes to get over the blueness, but his signs were all good. The cord had transformed by this time into a limp filament which we cut.


Julien, our sweet seed--
you sprouted & grew in my womb.
now you’ve come out,
kaleidescoping colors
ripening by air
blossoming lungs.
we cut you free
from your stem to me,
but you are not far,
a flower on my breast
my heart on my sleeve
fruit of love
& seed of yourself.

Gilles held him while I squatted to deliver the placenta. After that I laid back, feeling very powerful and satisfied. “If I can do that, I can do anything.” I’m a Birth Goddess.

Gilles handed him to me and Julien nursed well right from the start. I remember how everyone cleaned up and left the three of us lying there on that mattress in our little bedroom. What do we do now? I asked myself. Suddenly, a little human being depends on us for everything, all of the time.

--Terra Rafael

In Honor of Julien's Upcoming 30th Birthday

Pregnancy with Julien

Pregnant, 27 years old, living in Fort Collins Co in 1980. Gilles and I lived in a one bedroom apartment in a gray building trimmed with white on Remington Street. Gilles worked at various restaurants. He was on a serial job search—he’d have a job for a month or two and then would quit or be fired.

Waitressing was my livelihood. The Silver Grille was a true “greasy spoon” with booths along one side and a lunch bar with swivel stools. Farmers had eaten dependable meals there for decades. It was a friendly place to work. No lifting the full buss tubs was allowed when I was pregnant.

One day for lunch we served spaghetti & meatballs. A cup of aromatic parmesan was sitting on the order station so we could sprinkle it on top of each order as it came from the kitchen. Being pregnant, that smell hit me like a truck load of garbage. I had to bolt to the bathroom. Luckily, that was my only full blown attack of morning sickness.

That first trimester I was exhausted. I’d get to work about 6 am, work until 2 pm, go home and nap. Gilles would wake me for supper. Then I’d go back to sleep until morning. That little nubbin’ growing inside was sucking the energy. I guess that’s why kids are so active—they’ve got all Mom’s energy stored up from those nine months of pregnancy.

When I was into my second trimester and had a bit more energy I realized that I needed to know more about this pregnancy and birth situation. Although I had lots of experience taking care of babies, being the oldest of six, Mom never really talked about pregnancy or birthing with me. My usual modus operandi was to read about something. So I went to the local bookstore. It was in a beautiful stone building and was called the Stone Lion. From the section on pregnancy & childrearing I picked The Immaculate Deception
by Suzanne Arms and Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin. These books revealed to me that I didn’t really want to have my baby in the hospital and that even I could have my baby at home. I’d never heard of anyone doing it but these books said that women could do it.

How to go about it was the next question. Spiritual Midwifery was jam packed with stories of home births and even had a little guide for midwives – but where could I find a midwife??? Never met one. Didn’t know they still existed. So- back to the bookstore I went. Lo & behold, my prayers were answered. A flyer was posted near my destination book section for “Informed Home Birth Classes”-- just what I needed. Gilles was certainly not up to being my midwife. This teacher must know midwives! So I wrote down her number and called. Little did I know that I was entering into a timeless fairy world where I would be captured and held for over 20 years.

Karen, the childbirth educator, was full of information and enthusiasm. We signed up. The more I learned the more I wanted to give birth at home. We only lived blocks from Poudre Valley Hospital, so if I needed help we had quick access. I continued my OB care but started looking for a midwife. There were none per se who lived in Fort Collins. The closest were in Boulder. Gilles & I drove the hour plus to visit Myrna. She had lots of her own children and seemed nice enough. But driving all the way to Boulder for prenatals was daunting. In Fort Collins there was a midwifery study group with about 8 members. I started to study with them. We decided that the study group, who had members who’d attended about 30 births, would help us. Although not the most experienced, they did know emergency measures if needed and since they were quickly becoming my friends, I knew I could count on their good judgement to do what was needed to keep me & my baby safe.

During my pregnancy I had started out with an OB/GYN, Dr H. First I was told I wasn’t gaining enough weight. Then at the next month’s visit they told me I was gaining too much weight. I just wasn’t fitting into their charts and graphs.

When I firmly decided to go for a homebirth I innocently thought it best to inform Dr H. When I told him my intentions, he got a grave expression on his face. He repeated several times, ”Nature isn’t perfect. Nature isn’t perfect. Nature isn’t prefect.” while looking off into the distance, seeing some horrible experience he’d had. He wouldn’t explain it, probably hoping to just scare me into submission rather than teaching me why he believed this way. Maybe he hoped to save my life or my baby—or maybe just spare me some bloody details. But after that I changed providers. For back up I chose a family practice which was less fearful, though still not enthusiastic about doctor-less hospital-less childbirth.

Surprisingly, we’d decided that we could afford for me not to work at the end of my pregnancy. I think it was a good thing. That way I could be rested & ready for the work of labor. My parents had given me some money in case we had to go to the hospital. We had no insurance.

With the support of the study group, I ate well, rested, exercised and prepared for labor. One older Italian immigrant who worked with Gilles was delighted to learn of our pregnancy. He advised, “My wife had eight children. Just make her walk every day and the baby will just come out.” I followed his advice, hoping I’d have such good results.
--Terra Rafael

Terra's Midwifery Story

I never knew anything about midwives except that they were victims of the witch burnings-- until I became pregnant at age 28. Up until than, I had had many interests -- natural health, yoga, belly dancing, astrology, feminism and poetry. I'd earned a BA in psychology before moving to Denver from my home state of Minnesota.

Being pregnant was a new experience -- and an unplanned one. I'd successfully used the ovulation method of birth control for over 4 years - and then my husband and I decided to use a condom during my fertile time and - pop! - my son was conceived! He really wanted to get here.

Terra pregnant with Julien, spring 1980

Being an avid reader I went to the best bookstore in Fort Collins, Colorado where we were living at the time. The first book I read was Immaculate Deception by Susanne Arms. It was an expose' on birth in the USA, comparing the "norm" with the possibility of homebirth with midwives. No way did I want to go into a hospital after reading that! (Since then I've realized that I also had a lot of unhealed feelings about the hospital from my own birth and my hospitalization at 4 years old for an appendectomy.)

I was at a loss as to how to go about doing a homebirth. I hadn't met anyone who had given birth that way (as far as I knew at the time - since then I found out both my parents were born at home, my mom being one of 5 breech babies my grandmother birthed at home). Then, while on another trip to the bookstore I saw a flyer for Informed Homebirth classes.

Gilles and I signed up for the classes and became ever more comfortable about having a homebirth. There were no practicing midwives in Fort Collins so the local midwifery study group attended -- a collective midwife. It was the uneventful and miraculous homebirth of Julien which convinced me for sure that midwifery was a righteous calling to service -- even though illegal in Colorado at that time.

We moved to Boulder, Colorado after Julien's birth. The midwifery group in Fort Collins was pessimistic about my chances of getting to apprentice in Boulder since there were already so many people studying midwifery there. In fact, the Boulder midwifery study group rejected me as a member because they didn't want any more "new" people joining. I began another study group which welcomed newcomers.
I became an Informed Homebirth teacher. Some students from the classes I taught asked me to their home births. At these births I met a practicing midwife who asked me if I wanted to be her apprentice. I was overjoyed!! It was what I'd prayed for!

Terra with Pregnant Ramona
So I began my apprenticeship with Ramona Ludwig. She'd trained at the Maternity Center in El Paso, Texas with the infamous Shari Daniels. I began attending prenatals, births and postpartums. I joined the Colorado Midwives Association and was a Board Member as political action chair. I attended on of the first meetings held to organize the Midwives Alliance of North America in Boulder, Fall,1983.

My apprenticeship was rudely interrupted after 1 year and about 30 births when my French born husband needed to return home. It was time for our family to live in France for a year. I thought I'd never complete my apprenticeship. And even worse, Ramona was due to have her own baby and my first chance to catch. At that time a wise friend told me - "Being a midwife is a state of mind. You can be a midwife no matter what you do. If you're supposed to catch babies, it will work out." Her words of wisdom carried me through my year in France and still nourish me.
On my return, it worked out for me to continue my apprenticeship with Ramona. She had another apprentice then too, Jennifer Braun. We took turns going to births and sometimes we both went. I became CMA secretary and member of the Board. I went to more births.

Ramona believed student midwives need to attend 100 births before practicing on their own. After about 50 births I felt ready to practice and left the apprenticeship. It was not an easy transition for me or Ramona, sorry to say. In any event, I will always honor Ramona for her dedication to helping women and the opportunity she gave me for learning midwifery. I have to admit, I see her wisdom in the 100 birth criteria -- I did seem to have a much higher comfort and confidence level once I'd been at that many births. Yet, I did begin my practice by always working with another midwife on each case so that we kept learning from each other.

In the ensuing years, I felt very strongly that a structured approach to apprenticeship could give more support to the apprentice and preceptor. I joined the CMA certification committee and, along with Jennifer Braun, Willy Fenske and Laine Gerritsen, I helped write the CMA Certification Procedure. It took many, many hours of meetings, and it was revised and improved upon as time went by. We were happy when it was recognized by MANA and went on to be adopted by several other states as their certification program, until NARM created national standards and processes.

During the years after I gave birth to Julien I was writing what was to become the book Pregnant Feelings - Developing Trust in Birth. I sent my original work to Rahima Baldwin, founder of Informed Homebirth (now largely inactive as an organization) and author of Special Delivery. She was the only published author I knew at the time! She was enthusiastic and her publishers wanted her to do another book, so we put our ideas together and created a great book for pregnant women on the psychological and emotional growth of pregnancy, birth and early parenting. (You can still get Pregnant Feelings through amazon.com)

Practicing as a midwife; being active in the CMA, serving on the Board as Education chair and then Co-President; teaching childbirth classes; speaking to different groups and on TV about midwifery; and writing about birth -- all eventually led me to create more educational opportunities for midwives.

It felt important to begin training more midwives to replace those who stopped practicing. Many women showed interest in midwifery and I would talk with them and give them ideas about what to study and do. Then I began teaching classes for these aspiring midwives in 1986. I developed what was to become the Birth Overview class. The first class I taught I also included the woman who was to be my first apprentice, Ursula Hessdorfer, who was a Registered Midwife practicing in Boulder until her death of cancer. Other midwives/apprentices who have taken this class include Flame Dineen, RM, Elizabeth Moore, CPM, Arlee McCleod, RM, Amy Colo CPM, Deanna Cowen, RM & Jennifer Dossett, CPM. Leigh Collector, who is a Birth Asst., also took this class.

Ursula, Terra & Willy with new home-born twins

My personal life had been going through changes -- divorce and single motherhood as a midwife were not easy. In 1987 I met my second husband, Charlie, and we both hoped to have a child together soon. My daughter Alana was conceived after I was at two marathon births, and then teaching an evening midwifery class. I was very tired yet this loving time was different -- I had a vision of fireworks, dolphins and the faces of two children. During pregnancy, Alana let me be the first one to hear her heartbeat and kept hiding from Ursula. She was born at home in July 1989. Another uneventful and miraculous birth. I put off calling the midwives until late because I wanted to be alone most of the time. It hurt more this time -- I was in my body more than when Julien was born. This time I felt all the glorious pain of opening up and squeezing through -- and the triumph of not suffering or fearing the pain.
Terra in labor, supported by friends


Alas, I was not as good at taking care of myself as taking care of others -- I didn't pace myself carefully enough after Alana was born. I forgot somehow that babies get more demanding after 6 months and had bunches of births that turned out to be extra difficult, including the first stillbirth that I attended. At the same time I was in psychotherapy remembering and healing childhood incest and other abuse. I had had digestive problems and diarrhea on and off for months and it didn't get better (this was before we’d heard of Irritable Bowel Syndrome). All of this plus breastfeeding led to one totally exhausted woman.

I had to recover, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I needed more energy for me. I quit practicing, turning over clients to other Boulder midwives. I resigned as Co-President of the CMA. I weaned Alana -- luckily she was already 14 months and had her eating teeth in.
I saw my acupuncturist frequently for herbs and acupuncture. I got Jin Shin treatments. I rested as much as I could with a toddler. Charlie supported me in every way possible. I continued my psychotherapy and attended Survivors of Incest Anonymous. I cried. I screamed. I hurt. I spent time looking at the sky. I touched the Earth. I prayed. I surrendered to God/dess.

My healing and transformation time had come. I scrutinized every aspect of my life and went into vast spaces of Spirit that renewed me body and soul. Comparing how I had been living and practicing midwifery with what I had said I believed about birth was part of my healing process. I saw that somehow the way I was practicing was not supporting me and my life.
I thought I might never be a midwife again. Sometimes I saw it as a way I'd kept too busy to see and feel my own feeling or deal with my painful past. I felt resentful of clients who didn't understand I was only too human. I believed other midwives thought I was a wimp for quitting. I began honoring myself as me rather than just as midwife, serving others. I let go of practicing midwifery.

My saving grace was that by letting go it allowed more Spirit to enter into my life and add another dimension to my living. I opened my midwifery practice again after hearing the call. I felt my way along slowly, to feel what and how my midwifery practice could be life enhancing for myself & my family, as well as my clients & apprentices. I was happy to find a way to practice in a different manner, that encouraged more trust in the process itself. I came to this through the trust & support of all the women I worked with, and the assistance of two midwifery teachers - Jeannine Parvati Baker & WonShe' - who shared & supported my own vision as I untwisted it from the snares of fear, my earlier way of looking at my experiences.

The apprentices who worked with me during this time - Margaret Rhodes, Flame Dineen & Delta Waters helped me along my path. Trust & love were amplified by my meditation teacher & spiritual mother. The amazing inner experiences I received with her guidance have strengthened my faith that every thing is ultimately alright and God is in everybody.
Flame, Lonnie & Terra after belly painting

While Margaret & Delta, and other short-term apprentices, moved on to other things, Flame successfully completed her apprenticeship & is now a Registered Midwife. I took an intern Olga Vermont, who went to school in Texas to gain experience & moved here to get more homebirth experience before returning to her home-of-choice in Moab, UT, where she practiced midwifery & now has gone on to nursing school. Elizabeth Moore got registered fall, 1998 & got her CPM in 2000.

One part of my midwifery teaching is the book Giving Birth to Ourselves, Contemplations for Midwives. It focuses on evaluating our work and lives as midwives; how and why we practice a certain way; and how much we nurture ourselves as well as others. Some of what I learned in my changing time has gone into that book. It’s available from me or lulu.com

Another time for a break came in 1998. I decided to stop before being exhausted or burned out and open up my possibilities again & see which way the Goddess wanted me to go. I become an Ayurvedic practitioner. The first program was completed Fall 1999 and I continued on with Alandi Ayurvedic Gurukula, which is based on the teacher/student relationship, a kind of apprenticeship, for further study & clinical experience. I graduated May, 2001.


In 2000, we formed a new midwifery organization in Colorado- Colorado Alliance of Independent Midwives (CAIM) to promote midwifery education & communication in our state. Having 2 different MW organizations was a new challenge, but some felt that the CMA was not including our voices in its decisions & directions.

Meanwhile I stopped birth practice entirely and opened my healing practice, Wisewomanhood, w/ Ayurveda , Maya Abdominal Massage, Reiki, and Flower remedies. My daughter was a young woman and my son well out of the nest. I have gotten divorced again, married again and have 3 step sons. Finally after all those new changes I am settled again in my new family and home, ready to focus on writing more.

Thank you, Jesus the Christ, Mother Mary, Gurumayi, Nityananda, Sarasvati, Laksmi, Kali, Durge, Great Spirit, Mother Earth, Medicine Buddha, all our relations on the earth and my Guardian Angel, Archangel Rafael. Thank you Gilles & Julien and Charlie & Alana. Thank you Victor & Evan, Josh, & Matt. Thank you Al & Dorothy, all my grandmothers & grandfathers and brothers and sisters. Thank you women who have allowed me to participate in the births of your children, naming me as midwife. Thank you Ramona, Willy, Jennifer, Jeni, Ursula, Jeannine, WonShe', Flame, Olga, Elizabeth, Emily, Emmy, Ann D, Sarasvati, Alakananda, Rosita, Miss Beatrice, Miss Hortense - all the midwives & healers who are my companions and teachers. Thank you aspiring midwives, for inspiring me. Thank you ONE & ALL.