Hiding in the Women's Room

I had to hide in the women’s room. It had been years since I had taken LSD and here I was at a Grateful Dead Concert, 1986, with my midwifery partner & lesbian lover, Willy. I was tripping wildly and wanting to escape the crowd. But we drove all the way to California for this classic experience! My psyche wasn’t cooperating with the plan. I hid in the bathroom.

It was all very vague, in the French sense of the word. “Vague” means “waves.” Waves of mixed emotions crashed against my rib cage & belly—anger, fear, rage, & terror. The smell of men disgusted me, which isn’t usually the case, since I’m bisexual.

“This is too much for me Willy- I need to get out of here. I’m sorry.”

We swam upstream through the ocean of tie-dyed Dead Heads, out of the auditorium, and into the cool evening air. Being in the open helped. Here the smell of pot was more of a wistful whiff than a smothering blanket. We wended our way through the stands selling Dead gear—pipes, macrame’, tie dyes--to Willie’s van. My feet walking on the gravel parking lot gave me a sense of connection to the Earth.

As we settled in the van I began to remember/dream, being in a state somewhere between fantasy and the flesh of my brain.

I saw my alcoholic Uncle Manley. I was furious at him, yet totally cold. He was tied to a stake and I had a bow in my hands and a quiver full of arrows slung over my shoulder. I reached back and pulled an arrow out. I deliberately drew back the arrow on the bow and aimed and shot him with it. I continued shooting him, over and over again, even after he had slumped within the grip of the ropes holding him to the stake. When I was done, he was covered with arrows, like a porcupine covered with its quills.

This strange vision was the beginning of the painful remembering and healing of my body and soul from the childhood sexual abuse visited on me by Uncle Manley. My memories had been buried for over 25 years. It explained a lot about my sexual behavior and my deep feelings of shame and unworthiness.
--Terra Rafael