Yes - a prose poem

I lounge like a lizard, on a warm Rock, listening to Water trickling into the pond next to my deck. The Air stands still and outlines my skin with a moist dew. The Sky arranges herself smoothly across the heavens, no wrinkles betraying her blanket of breath. The Sun insinuates himself into my exposed pores. My inner editor continues arranging thoughts in neat categories and rows, even though I have long abandoned any interest in them. There is a peaceful sense, a psychic knowing on a cellular level that I really am a part of Nature.

Prompt words: psychic listening editor abandoned sky

--Terra Rafael

Terra's Menstrual Sutras

~Menses is women’s vulnerability & women’s power. Deny neither.
Denying menstrual needs leads to disease and disempowerment of women.
Denying menstrual powers leads to shame and loss of wisdom.

~Honoring first menses honors the new woman & all of womanhood.

~Menses is women’s natural monthly cleanse. By rest, appropriate eating, and supporting the downward energy this purpose if fulfilled. By ignoring or suppressing it, disease is created.

~Outward rest at menses allows intuition & inward creativity to emerge.

~The openness of menses deserves the protection of seclusion & rest, rather than secrecy & shame.

~Menses is the time of giving birth to ourselves—respecting it is respecting ourselves.

~Wise self care throughout fertility cycles allows for healthy menses.
Ease of menses is a sign of overall balance and health.
Maya Abdominal/Uterine Massage allows proper positioning of the uterus to allow circulation of blood, lymph, nerve impulses & energy for optimal reproductive health.

~Women’s cycles were commonly entrained to the moon & the tribe before artificial lights and isolating nuclear families.

~Moving downward energy - apana prana in Ayurveda--

Moving downward energy of the body – allow it, maintain it.
Moving downward energy of menses – respect it.
Moving downward energy of childbirth – be it.

~The health of the woman & the womb promotes the life long health of the offspring.

~Self care through fertility cycles allows more graceful giving birth when it is time & more graceful entering into menopause when it is time.

--Terra Rafael, WiseWomanhood

Menses is women’s vulnerability & women’s power. Deny neither.

As beings in menstruating women’s bodies we must come to terms with our cyclical natures. While some women are more affected by it than others, it does operate in all of us. This is not an esoteric concept. It is real physically, energetically, and emotionally.

This makes us vulnerable in this culture where Success = being Solar, burning brightly every day. Women are Lunar, having outward times and inward times. The varying effects of hormones in the cycles do have an emotional effect which varies in intensity between women. Ayurvedically, thin & sensitive Vata women tend to express more changeability and are more effected than Pitta women, who tend to be more solar & focused way in general and Kapha women, who are more stable and unchangeable & absorb change. But all have the shifting within going on. When each gets out of balance, the expressions will get more extreme. So we are vulnerable if we stay aware of and express our cyclical nature, vulnerable to being called incapable of success due to being women.

Besides this cultural vulnerability, we are also vulnerable due to the changes of the cycle itself. The changes at the time of menses allow toxins, as well as menses to be released. We also literally open up, both physically (our cervix opens to let the blood flow out) and energy wise (our auras are more open and our energy will go downward to the earth more easily). To accommodate these vulnerabilities women often traditionally separated themselves from their usual tasks and from others who were not bleeding.

If we overeat or eat inappropriately, our digestion can suffer more easily during menses because the energy of fire is going out in the menses. The natural detoxification of this time begs for moderate eating to allow energy to go into that process.

If we over exercise or over work we can over stimulate the fire of the menses. If not remedied, this can lead to pitta aggravated symptoms or diseases of reproduction such as excess flow, fibroids or endometriosis. Over exercising can also push the toxins released in the natural detoxification of menses into body tissues instead of releasing them. Talking too much or doing spiritual practices that raise the energy upward during this phase will go counter to the flow of downward energy and can cause menstrual or reproductive problems if continued long term.

If we put ourselves in situations where we are connecting with the energy field of another person (giving body or energy work, psychotherapy or other healing work sessions, or having sexual relations) we are open enough to much more easily take on their energy/karma, as well as give them ours. This is why in many native traditions bleeding women would isolate themselves at this time & not participate in the spiritual ceremonies of the tribe.

The womanly cycle is also most obviously the power of potential creation at work within our female body. Giving birth to physical babies is not the only creativity we carry in our wombs. For millennia, this power was worshipped by humans in the form of the Goddess, each woman honored as embodiment of that power in her individual form.

Another great power of our cyclical nature is that the openness & inwardness creates a time when women can tune in to inner wisdom and messages from the subtle worlds. Another reason women would separate themselves was to have space to dream & vision, alone & with their sisters who were also bleeding. This guidance was a great resource for themselves and for the tribe.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes, in Women Who Run With the Wolves shares a modern view. She suggests that we use menses as a time to notice what it is time to let go of. We are in a physiological state of letting go of the possibility of pregnancy for that cycle. To let go psychospiritually & emotionally at this time is natural. As Won She’, another wisewoman midwife says,” Women give birth & women give death.” This giving death aspect of womanhood is greatly denied in this culture, just as the embodiment of it is: the Crone. During our bleeding time we get to practice being wisewomen crones, if we afford ourselves some time to do so.

Most women in this culture cannot afford themselves 3 days to rest & vision. But we can find ways towards that. For more ideas about self care during menses see – the FB notes on WiseWomanhood's page- www.facebook.com/WiseWomanhood

The Monthly Cronehood of the Menstrual Cycle-

The menstrual cycle contains the experiences of Maiden, Mother, & Crone within it. We can experience a mini- Cronehood when our premenstrual hormones plummet in those cycles in which pregnancy doesn’t occur. We empty of juice, being low in estrogen and progesterone, while filling with intuitive potential. These mini-Cronehoods, when fully experienced, can prepare us for the wisewoman, menopausal years and teach us about the power of Knowing.

What are the practices to help us prepare?
-First, be aware. Notice how your body, emotions, and mind react to this premenstrual time. If you are feeling to many symptoms, it is good to work on gently cleansing and supporting your liver. When the hormones are building up in your liver the detoxing that starts to occur premenstrual times can be more harsh---as they can during the menopausal stage as well.

-Take time for yourself. Yes, I know how difficult that can be. But it must be a priority. In this way you can increase your awareness of what is happening in your body and how to care for it. You don’t need to take the whole day off—just give yourself ½ hour a day to be free of responsibility to others. Moms can do this when kids are in bed—mornings &/or evenings.

-Pay extra attention to your inner promptings. It could be your dreams. Or your intuition might be telling you what to do.

-Practice letting go. This time in your cycle is excellent for getting rid of what is no longer living for you.

--Terra Rafael

Iguanas. Nesting.

It was iguana nesting season on Cozumel when we visited the archeological site. The guide warned us not to let our feet stray too near the holes along the side of the rocky pathway. Momma iguanas are hyper-protective and practice preemptive strikes on whatever looks like a threat to her vulnerable eggs. This gave us a healthy respect for the prehistoric-looking creature.

When Samantha and I returned to the temple area several days later, we aimed at giving our offerings to Ix Chel, Maya goddess of the moon, women, herbs and water. Samantha hoped to become pregnant soon and I brought offerings from a client also seeking fertility blessings. Samantha had previously asked a guide where the best spot might be to make such an offering to Ix Chel. Kana Nah, a moderate sized pyramid, was the suggestion.

We walked the rocky pathway, still punctuated along the edge with holes the diameter of small cantaloupes. We carefully sidestepped them.

As we approached the temple we anticipated scrambling to the top to place our offerings. But first we encountered a group of tourist at the foot of the pyramid. We asked the visitors to take our photo. As we chatted, a large snake, 5-6 feet long, fell (or jumped?) out of the tree near us. After catching our breath after that surprise, the others left us alone at the pyramid.

At that time the temple was not yet roped off from explorations. It was somewhat irregular in places, where the rocks had loosened from its sturdy structure. As we looked for a good place to ascend without damaging the temple or ourselves, we saw that we weren’t really alone. Two gigantic iguanas were about two-thirds of the way up the pyramid, eyeing us and not backing away at all as we approached. They were about 3 feet long. Very dragon- like. Probably guarding giant eggs.

Samantha and I looked at the iguanas, looked back at each other.
I said, “Let’s just throw our offerings upward and sing our prayers from here.”
She readily agreed. “It’s OK, iguanas. Your eggs are safe.”

So we sang our prayers en place and threw our offering towards the pinnacle. After standing in a meditative moment for some time, we saw more visitors arriving and climbed back down to earth.

We knew that Ix Chel had heard our prayers. Before we left the temple area, a gentle sprinkle of rain fell on us for just a moment, signaling her favor.

And both supplicants were soon guarding their own nests, full of offspring.

--Terra Rafael

Poem for the Winter Solstice

in the center of the sun it never sets.
there we are
vapor & glowing & boundariless.
I am thankful to remember this.

with the creation of solidity shadows play,
moons fill & empty,
distance & time measure beginnings & ends.
pleasure is born of nature & passes.
pain is born of human forgetfulness & passes.
I am thankful to know this.

in the center of the heart it never sets.
there we are
one
always & always & always.
I am thankful to remember this.

--Terra Rafael

Terra's Midwifery Story

I never knew anything about midwives except that they were victims of the witch burnings-- until I became pregnant at age 28. Up until than, I had had many interests -- natural health, yoga, belly dancing, astrology, feminism and poetry. I'd earned a BA in psychology before moving to Denver from my home state of Minnesota.

Being pregnant was a new experience -- and an unplanned one. I'd successfully used the ovulation method of birth control for over 4 years - and then my husband and I decided to use a condom during my fertile time and - pop! - my son was conceived! He really wanted to get here.

Terra pregnant with Julien, spring 1980

Being an avid reader I went to the best bookstore in Fort Collins, Colorado where we were living at the time. The first book I read was Immaculate Deception by Susanne Arms. It was an expose' on birth in the USA, comparing the "norm" with the possibility of homebirth with midwives. No way did I want to go into a hospital after reading that! (Since then I've realized that I also had a lot of unhealed feelings about the hospital from my own birth and my hospitalization at 4 years old for an appendectomy.)

I was at a loss as to how to go about doing a homebirth. I hadn't met anyone who had given birth that way (as far as I knew at the time - since then I found out both my parents were born at home, my mom being one of 5 breech babies my grandmother birthed at home). Then, while on another trip to the bookstore I saw a flyer for Informed Homebirth classes.

Gilles and I signed up for the classes and became ever more comfortable about having a homebirth. There were no practicing midwives in Fort Collins so the local midwifery study group attended -- a collective midwife. It was the uneventful and miraculous homebirth of Julien which convinced me for sure that midwifery was a righteous calling to service -- even though illegal in Colorado at that time.

We moved to Boulder, Colorado after Julien's birth. The midwifery group in Fort Collins was pessimistic about my chances of getting to apprentice in Boulder since there were already so many people studying midwifery there. In fact, the Boulder midwifery study group rejected me as a member because they didn't want any more "new" people joining. I began another study group which welcomed newcomers.
I became an Informed Homebirth teacher. Some students from the classes I taught asked me to their home births. At these births I met a practicing midwife who asked me if I wanted to be her apprentice. I was overjoyed!! It was what I'd prayed for!

Terra with Pregnant Ramona
So I began my apprenticeship with Ramona Ludwig. She'd trained at the Maternity Center in El Paso, Texas with the infamous Shari Daniels. I began attending prenatals, births and postpartums. I joined the Colorado Midwives Association and was a Board Member as political action chair. I attended on of the first meetings held to organize the Midwives Alliance of North America in Boulder, Fall,1983.

My apprenticeship was rudely interrupted after 1 year and about 30 births when my French born husband needed to return home. It was time for our family to live in France for a year. I thought I'd never complete my apprenticeship. And even worse, Ramona was due to have her own baby and my first chance to catch. At that time a wise friend told me - "Being a midwife is a state of mind. You can be a midwife no matter what you do. If you're supposed to catch babies, it will work out." Her words of wisdom carried me through my year in France and still nourish me.
On my return, it worked out for me to continue my apprenticeship with Ramona. She had another apprentice then too, Jennifer Braun. We took turns going to births and sometimes we both went. I became CMA secretary and member of the Board. I went to more births.

Ramona believed student midwives need to attend 100 births before practicing on their own. After about 50 births I felt ready to practice and left the apprenticeship. It was not an easy transition for me or Ramona, sorry to say. In any event, I will always honor Ramona for her dedication to helping women and the opportunity she gave me for learning midwifery. I have to admit, I see her wisdom in the 100 birth criteria -- I did seem to have a much higher comfort and confidence level once I'd been at that many births. Yet, I did begin my practice by always working with another midwife on each case so that we kept learning from each other.

In the ensuing years, I felt very strongly that a structured approach to apprenticeship could give more support to the apprentice and preceptor. I joined the CMA certification committee and, along with Jennifer Braun, Willy Fenske and Laine Gerritsen, I helped write the CMA Certification Procedure. It took many, many hours of meetings, and it was revised and improved upon as time went by. We were happy when it was recognized by MANA and went on to be adopted by several other states as their certification program, until NARM created national standards and processes.

During the years after I gave birth to Julien I was writing what was to become the book Pregnant Feelings - Developing Trust in Birth. I sent my original work to Rahima Baldwin, founder of Informed Homebirth (now largely inactive as an organization) and author of Special Delivery. She was the only published author I knew at the time! She was enthusiastic and her publishers wanted her to do another book, so we put our ideas together and created a great book for pregnant women on the psychological and emotional growth of pregnancy, birth and early parenting. (You can still get Pregnant Feelings through amazon.com)

Practicing as a midwife; being active in the CMA, serving on the Board as Education chair and then Co-President; teaching childbirth classes; speaking to different groups and on TV about midwifery; and writing about birth -- all eventually led me to create more educational opportunities for midwives.

It felt important to begin training more midwives to replace those who stopped practicing. Many women showed interest in midwifery and I would talk with them and give them ideas about what to study and do. Then I began teaching classes for these aspiring midwives in 1986. I developed what was to become the Birth Overview class. The first class I taught I also included the woman who was to be my first apprentice, Ursula Hessdorfer, who was a Registered Midwife practicing in Boulder until her death of cancer. Other midwives/apprentices who have taken this class include Flame Dineen, RM, Elizabeth Moore, CPM, Arlee McCleod, RM, Amy Colo CPM, Deanna Cowen, RM & Jennifer Dossett, CPM. Leigh Collector, who is a Birth Asst., also took this class.

Ursula, Terra & Willy with new home-born twins

My personal life had been going through changes -- divorce and single motherhood as a midwife were not easy. In 1987 I met my second husband, Charlie, and we both hoped to have a child together soon. My daughter Alana was conceived after I was at two marathon births, and then teaching an evening midwifery class. I was very tired yet this loving time was different -- I had a vision of fireworks, dolphins and the faces of two children. During pregnancy, Alana let me be the first one to hear her heartbeat and kept hiding from Ursula. She was born at home in July 1989. Another uneventful and miraculous birth. I put off calling the midwives until late because I wanted to be alone most of the time. It hurt more this time -- I was in my body more than when Julien was born. This time I felt all the glorious pain of opening up and squeezing through -- and the triumph of not suffering or fearing the pain.
Terra in labor, supported by friends


Alas, I was not as good at taking care of myself as taking care of others -- I didn't pace myself carefully enough after Alana was born. I forgot somehow that babies get more demanding after 6 months and had bunches of births that turned out to be extra difficult, including the first stillbirth that I attended. At the same time I was in psychotherapy remembering and healing childhood incest and other abuse. I had had digestive problems and diarrhea on and off for months and it didn't get better (this was before we’d heard of Irritable Bowel Syndrome). All of this plus breastfeeding led to one totally exhausted woman.

I had to recover, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I needed more energy for me. I quit practicing, turning over clients to other Boulder midwives. I resigned as Co-President of the CMA. I weaned Alana -- luckily she was already 14 months and had her eating teeth in.
I saw my acupuncturist frequently for herbs and acupuncture. I got Jin Shin treatments. I rested as much as I could with a toddler. Charlie supported me in every way possible. I continued my psychotherapy and attended Survivors of Incest Anonymous. I cried. I screamed. I hurt. I spent time looking at the sky. I touched the Earth. I prayed. I surrendered to God/dess.

My healing and transformation time had come. I scrutinized every aspect of my life and went into vast spaces of Spirit that renewed me body and soul. Comparing how I had been living and practicing midwifery with what I had said I believed about birth was part of my healing process. I saw that somehow the way I was practicing was not supporting me and my life.
I thought I might never be a midwife again. Sometimes I saw it as a way I'd kept too busy to see and feel my own feeling or deal with my painful past. I felt resentful of clients who didn't understand I was only too human. I believed other midwives thought I was a wimp for quitting. I began honoring myself as me rather than just as midwife, serving others. I let go of practicing midwifery.

My saving grace was that by letting go it allowed more Spirit to enter into my life and add another dimension to my living. I opened my midwifery practice again after hearing the call. I felt my way along slowly, to feel what and how my midwifery practice could be life enhancing for myself & my family, as well as my clients & apprentices. I was happy to find a way to practice in a different manner, that encouraged more trust in the process itself. I came to this through the trust & support of all the women I worked with, and the assistance of two midwifery teachers - Jeannine Parvati Baker & WonShe' - who shared & supported my own vision as I untwisted it from the snares of fear, my earlier way of looking at my experiences.

The apprentices who worked with me during this time - Margaret Rhodes, Flame Dineen & Delta Waters helped me along my path. Trust & love were amplified by my meditation teacher & spiritual mother. The amazing inner experiences I received with her guidance have strengthened my faith that every thing is ultimately alright and God is in everybody.
Flame, Lonnie & Terra after belly painting

While Margaret & Delta, and other short-term apprentices, moved on to other things, Flame successfully completed her apprenticeship & is now a Registered Midwife. I took an intern Olga Vermont, who went to school in Texas to gain experience & moved here to get more homebirth experience before returning to her home-of-choice in Moab, UT, where she practiced midwifery & now has gone on to nursing school. Elizabeth Moore got registered fall, 1998 & got her CPM in 2000.

One part of my midwifery teaching is the book Giving Birth to Ourselves, Contemplations for Midwives. It focuses on evaluating our work and lives as midwives; how and why we practice a certain way; and how much we nurture ourselves as well as others. Some of what I learned in my changing time has gone into that book. It’s available from me or lulu.com

Another time for a break came in 1998. I decided to stop before being exhausted or burned out and open up my possibilities again & see which way the Goddess wanted me to go. I become an Ayurvedic practitioner. The first program was completed Fall 1999 and I continued on with Alandi Ayurvedic Gurukula, which is based on the teacher/student relationship, a kind of apprenticeship, for further study & clinical experience. I graduated May, 2001.


In 2000, we formed a new midwifery organization in Colorado- Colorado Alliance of Independent Midwives (CAIM) to promote midwifery education & communication in our state. Having 2 different MW organizations was a new challenge, but some felt that the CMA was not including our voices in its decisions & directions.

Meanwhile I stopped birth practice entirely and opened my healing practice, Wisewomanhood, w/ Ayurveda , Maya Abdominal Massage, Reiki, and Flower remedies. My daughter was a young woman and my son well out of the nest. I have gotten divorced again, married again and have 3 step sons. Finally after all those new changes I am settled again in my new family and home, ready to focus on writing more.

Thank you, Jesus the Christ, Mother Mary, Gurumayi, Nityananda, Sarasvati, Laksmi, Kali, Durge, Great Spirit, Mother Earth, Medicine Buddha, all our relations on the earth and my Guardian Angel, Archangel Rafael. Thank you Gilles & Julien and Charlie & Alana. Thank you Victor & Evan, Josh, & Matt. Thank you Al & Dorothy, all my grandmothers & grandfathers and brothers and sisters. Thank you women who have allowed me to participate in the births of your children, naming me as midwife. Thank you Ramona, Willy, Jennifer, Jeni, Ursula, Jeannine, WonShe', Flame, Olga, Elizabeth, Emily, Emmy, Ann D, Sarasvati, Alakananda, Rosita, Miss Beatrice, Miss Hortense - all the midwives & healers who are my companions and teachers. Thank you aspiring midwives, for inspiring me. Thank you ONE & ALL.