In Honor of Julien's Upcoming 30th Birthday

Pregnancy with Julien

Pregnant, 27 years old, living in Fort Collins Co in 1980. Gilles and I lived in a one bedroom apartment in a gray building trimmed with white on Remington Street. Gilles worked at various restaurants. He was on a serial job search—he’d have a job for a month or two and then would quit or be fired.

Waitressing was my livelihood. The Silver Grille was a true “greasy spoon” with booths along one side and a lunch bar with swivel stools. Farmers had eaten dependable meals there for decades. It was a friendly place to work. No lifting the full buss tubs was allowed when I was pregnant.

One day for lunch we served spaghetti & meatballs. A cup of aromatic parmesan was sitting on the order station so we could sprinkle it on top of each order as it came from the kitchen. Being pregnant, that smell hit me like a truck load of garbage. I had to bolt to the bathroom. Luckily, that was my only full blown attack of morning sickness.

That first trimester I was exhausted. I’d get to work about 6 am, work until 2 pm, go home and nap. Gilles would wake me for supper. Then I’d go back to sleep until morning. That little nubbin’ growing inside was sucking the energy. I guess that’s why kids are so active—they’ve got all Mom’s energy stored up from those nine months of pregnancy.

When I was into my second trimester and had a bit more energy I realized that I needed to know more about this pregnancy and birth situation. Although I had lots of experience taking care of babies, being the oldest of six, Mom never really talked about pregnancy or birthing with me. My usual modus operandi was to read about something. So I went to the local bookstore. It was in a beautiful stone building and was called the Stone Lion. From the section on pregnancy & childrearing I picked The Immaculate Deception
by Suzanne Arms and Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin. These books revealed to me that I didn’t really want to have my baby in the hospital and that even I could have my baby at home. I’d never heard of anyone doing it but these books said that women could do it.

How to go about it was the next question. Spiritual Midwifery was jam packed with stories of home births and even had a little guide for midwives – but where could I find a midwife??? Never met one. Didn’t know they still existed. So- back to the bookstore I went. Lo & behold, my prayers were answered. A flyer was posted near my destination book section for “Informed Home Birth Classes”-- just what I needed. Gilles was certainly not up to being my midwife. This teacher must know midwives! So I wrote down her number and called. Little did I know that I was entering into a timeless fairy world where I would be captured and held for over 20 years.

Karen, the childbirth educator, was full of information and enthusiasm. We signed up. The more I learned the more I wanted to give birth at home. We only lived blocks from Poudre Valley Hospital, so if I needed help we had quick access. I continued my OB care but started looking for a midwife. There were none per se who lived in Fort Collins. The closest were in Boulder. Gilles & I drove the hour plus to visit Myrna. She had lots of her own children and seemed nice enough. But driving all the way to Boulder for prenatals was daunting. In Fort Collins there was a midwifery study group with about 8 members. I started to study with them. We decided that the study group, who had members who’d attended about 30 births, would help us. Although not the most experienced, they did know emergency measures if needed and since they were quickly becoming my friends, I knew I could count on their good judgement to do what was needed to keep me & my baby safe.

During my pregnancy I had started out with an OB/GYN, Dr H. First I was told I wasn’t gaining enough weight. Then at the next month’s visit they told me I was gaining too much weight. I just wasn’t fitting into their charts and graphs.

When I firmly decided to go for a homebirth I innocently thought it best to inform Dr H. When I told him my intentions, he got a grave expression on his face. He repeated several times, ”Nature isn’t perfect. Nature isn’t perfect. Nature isn’t prefect.” while looking off into the distance, seeing some horrible experience he’d had. He wouldn’t explain it, probably hoping to just scare me into submission rather than teaching me why he believed this way. Maybe he hoped to save my life or my baby—or maybe just spare me some bloody details. But after that I changed providers. For back up I chose a family practice which was less fearful, though still not enthusiastic about doctor-less hospital-less childbirth.

Surprisingly, we’d decided that we could afford for me not to work at the end of my pregnancy. I think it was a good thing. That way I could be rested & ready for the work of labor. My parents had given me some money in case we had to go to the hospital. We had no insurance.

With the support of the study group, I ate well, rested, exercised and prepared for labor. One older Italian immigrant who worked with Gilles was delighted to learn of our pregnancy. He advised, “My wife had eight children. Just make her walk every day and the baby will just come out.” I followed his advice, hoping I’d have such good results.
--Terra Rafael

Pregnancy Sutras

Pregnancy is an altered state, part of women’s physiological initiation.

Pregnancy, Birth, and Postpartum are a very long menstrual cycle.

Taking in & digesting what is wholesome promotes healthy balance in mother & baby.

Discern what is healthy exercise & unhealthy exercise for you at different times.

The mother shares her body space, the baby shares its heart space- both are forever connected. There is no physical intimacy greater than that of a mother & the child in her womb.

Building a support system can help replace the missing functions of tribe & extended family, which are so important to children & parents.

Protect new growth so that it may come to fruition.

What the mother tastes, sees, hears, smells, touches thinks, feels forms the child.

Imbalance, toxic build-up, physical malformation, damage, or trauma can lead to miscarriage.

The baby’s needs are expressed through the mother’s desires.

The mother must surrender to the expansion that the growing child requires.

The pregnant woman’s body works overtime even when she appears to be still. Allowance for this will promote her longevity & the baby’s health.

The pregnant woman eats for two.

Build & store vitality (ojas) for both mother & baby. In the eighth month it is shared between them.

The end of pregnancy, like the premenstrual phase of the menstrual spiral exhibits the woman’s current imbalances & weakness.

by Terra Rafael, midwife

Yes - a prose poem

I lounge like a lizard, on a warm Rock, listening to Water trickling into the pond next to my deck. The Air stands still and outlines my skin with a moist dew. The Sky arranges herself smoothly across the heavens, no wrinkles betraying her blanket of breath. The Sun insinuates himself into my exposed pores. My inner editor continues arranging thoughts in neat categories and rows, even though I have long abandoned any interest in them. There is a peaceful sense, a psychic knowing on a cellular level that I really am a part of Nature.

Prompt words: psychic listening editor abandoned sky

--Terra Rafael

Terra's Menstrual Sutras

~Menses is women’s vulnerability & women’s power. Deny neither.
Denying menstrual needs leads to disease and disempowerment of women.
Denying menstrual powers leads to shame and loss of wisdom.

~Honoring first menses honors the new woman & all of womanhood.

~Menses is women’s natural monthly cleanse. By rest, appropriate eating, and supporting the downward energy this purpose if fulfilled. By ignoring or suppressing it, disease is created.

~Outward rest at menses allows intuition & inward creativity to emerge.

~The openness of menses deserves the protection of seclusion & rest, rather than secrecy & shame.

~Menses is the time of giving birth to ourselves—respecting it is respecting ourselves.

~Wise self care throughout fertility cycles allows for healthy menses.
Ease of menses is a sign of overall balance and health.
Maya Abdominal/Uterine Massage allows proper positioning of the uterus to allow circulation of blood, lymph, nerve impulses & energy for optimal reproductive health.

~Women’s cycles were commonly entrained to the moon & the tribe before artificial lights and isolating nuclear families.

~Moving downward energy - apana prana in Ayurveda--

Moving downward energy of the body – allow it, maintain it.
Moving downward energy of menses – respect it.
Moving downward energy of childbirth – be it.

~The health of the woman & the womb promotes the life long health of the offspring.

~Self care through fertility cycles allows more graceful giving birth when it is time & more graceful entering into menopause when it is time.

--Terra Rafael, WiseWomanhood

Menses is women’s vulnerability & women’s power. Deny neither.

As beings in menstruating women’s bodies we must come to terms with our cyclical natures. While some women are more affected by it than others, it does operate in all of us. This is not an esoteric concept. It is real physically, energetically, and emotionally.

This makes us vulnerable in this culture where Success = being Solar, burning brightly every day. Women are Lunar, having outward times and inward times. The varying effects of hormones in the cycles do have an emotional effect which varies in intensity between women. Ayurvedically, thin & sensitive Vata women tend to express more changeability and are more effected than Pitta women, who tend to be more solar & focused way in general and Kapha women, who are more stable and unchangeable & absorb change. But all have the shifting within going on. When each gets out of balance, the expressions will get more extreme. So we are vulnerable if we stay aware of and express our cyclical nature, vulnerable to being called incapable of success due to being women.

Besides this cultural vulnerability, we are also vulnerable due to the changes of the cycle itself. The changes at the time of menses allow toxins, as well as menses to be released. We also literally open up, both physically (our cervix opens to let the blood flow out) and energy wise (our auras are more open and our energy will go downward to the earth more easily). To accommodate these vulnerabilities women often traditionally separated themselves from their usual tasks and from others who were not bleeding.

If we overeat or eat inappropriately, our digestion can suffer more easily during menses because the energy of fire is going out in the menses. The natural detoxification of this time begs for moderate eating to allow energy to go into that process.

If we over exercise or over work we can over stimulate the fire of the menses. If not remedied, this can lead to pitta aggravated symptoms or diseases of reproduction such as excess flow, fibroids or endometriosis. Over exercising can also push the toxins released in the natural detoxification of menses into body tissues instead of releasing them. Talking too much or doing spiritual practices that raise the energy upward during this phase will go counter to the flow of downward energy and can cause menstrual or reproductive problems if continued long term.

If we put ourselves in situations where we are connecting with the energy field of another person (giving body or energy work, psychotherapy or other healing work sessions, or having sexual relations) we are open enough to much more easily take on their energy/karma, as well as give them ours. This is why in many native traditions bleeding women would isolate themselves at this time & not participate in the spiritual ceremonies of the tribe.

The womanly cycle is also most obviously the power of potential creation at work within our female body. Giving birth to physical babies is not the only creativity we carry in our wombs. For millennia, this power was worshipped by humans in the form of the Goddess, each woman honored as embodiment of that power in her individual form.

Another great power of our cyclical nature is that the openness & inwardness creates a time when women can tune in to inner wisdom and messages from the subtle worlds. Another reason women would separate themselves was to have space to dream & vision, alone & with their sisters who were also bleeding. This guidance was a great resource for themselves and for the tribe.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes, in Women Who Run With the Wolves shares a modern view. She suggests that we use menses as a time to notice what it is time to let go of. We are in a physiological state of letting go of the possibility of pregnancy for that cycle. To let go psychospiritually & emotionally at this time is natural. As Won She’, another wisewoman midwife says,” Women give birth & women give death.” This giving death aspect of womanhood is greatly denied in this culture, just as the embodiment of it is: the Crone. During our bleeding time we get to practice being wisewomen crones, if we afford ourselves some time to do so.

Most women in this culture cannot afford themselves 3 days to rest & vision. But we can find ways towards that. For more ideas about self care during menses see – the FB notes on WiseWomanhood's page- www.facebook.com/WiseWomanhood

The Monthly Cronehood of the Menstrual Cycle-

The menstrual cycle contains the experiences of Maiden, Mother, & Crone within it. We can experience a mini- Cronehood when our premenstrual hormones plummet in those cycles in which pregnancy doesn’t occur. We empty of juice, being low in estrogen and progesterone, while filling with intuitive potential. These mini-Cronehoods, when fully experienced, can prepare us for the wisewoman, menopausal years and teach us about the power of Knowing.

What are the practices to help us prepare?
-First, be aware. Notice how your body, emotions, and mind react to this premenstrual time. If you are feeling to many symptoms, it is good to work on gently cleansing and supporting your liver. When the hormones are building up in your liver the detoxing that starts to occur premenstrual times can be more harsh---as they can during the menopausal stage as well.

-Take time for yourself. Yes, I know how difficult that can be. But it must be a priority. In this way you can increase your awareness of what is happening in your body and how to care for it. You don’t need to take the whole day off—just give yourself ½ hour a day to be free of responsibility to others. Moms can do this when kids are in bed—mornings &/or evenings.

-Pay extra attention to your inner promptings. It could be your dreams. Or your intuition might be telling you what to do.

-Practice letting go. This time in your cycle is excellent for getting rid of what is no longer living for you.

--Terra Rafael

Iguanas. Nesting.

It was iguana nesting season on Cozumel when we visited the archeological site. The guide warned us not to let our feet stray too near the holes along the side of the rocky pathway. Momma iguanas are hyper-protective and practice preemptive strikes on whatever looks like a threat to her vulnerable eggs. This gave us a healthy respect for the prehistoric-looking creature.

When Samantha and I returned to the temple area several days later, we aimed at giving our offerings to Ix Chel, Maya goddess of the moon, women, herbs and water. Samantha hoped to become pregnant soon and I brought offerings from a client also seeking fertility blessings. Samantha had previously asked a guide where the best spot might be to make such an offering to Ix Chel. Kana Nah, a moderate sized pyramid, was the suggestion.

We walked the rocky pathway, still punctuated along the edge with holes the diameter of small cantaloupes. We carefully sidestepped them.

As we approached the temple we anticipated scrambling to the top to place our offerings. But first we encountered a group of tourist at the foot of the pyramid. We asked the visitors to take our photo. As we chatted, a large snake, 5-6 feet long, fell (or jumped?) out of the tree near us. After catching our breath after that surprise, the others left us alone at the pyramid.

At that time the temple was not yet roped off from explorations. It was somewhat irregular in places, where the rocks had loosened from its sturdy structure. As we looked for a good place to ascend without damaging the temple or ourselves, we saw that we weren’t really alone. Two gigantic iguanas were about two-thirds of the way up the pyramid, eyeing us and not backing away at all as we approached. They were about 3 feet long. Very dragon- like. Probably guarding giant eggs.

Samantha and I looked at the iguanas, looked back at each other.
I said, “Let’s just throw our offerings upward and sing our prayers from here.”
She readily agreed. “It’s OK, iguanas. Your eggs are safe.”

So we sang our prayers en place and threw our offering towards the pinnacle. After standing in a meditative moment for some time, we saw more visitors arriving and climbed back down to earth.

We knew that Ix Chel had heard our prayers. Before we left the temple area, a gentle sprinkle of rain fell on us for just a moment, signaling her favor.

And both supplicants were soon guarding their own nests, full of offspring.

--Terra Rafael